Broken Home
by Drunken Yak inc
Summary: Time heals all wounds... Yeah, right.  Chapter 6 has been revised
1. Burning Bridges

A/N: Well Shit, I find myself back at the starting point of another fic. The theme of this one has been done before, many, many times before, but hopefully I can put a spin on it that at least gives the illusion of originality. This one technically isn't a follow up to 'finding retribution at the end of a gun', this takes place roughly ten years after 3I. Asuka and Shinji woke up on the beach as in the End of Evangelion, but I am assuming that the fact that she is able to move that bandaged arm at all means that her wounds had been somewhat healed during the brief (but then again maybe long) moments of instrumentality. Everything else (And hopefully what actions have caused the characters to be like they are) will be explained in time. And as always, my story has foul language and more then likely sex at some point, with it's fair share of grammatical and other stupid errors. Please feel free to tell me about them.

On a side note, I just got my Asuka Zippo from Japan today, It's a piece of Evangelion 2.0 merchandise and is officially licensed by Gainax. It's very cool, the front appears to be laser etched with an image of Asuka in her plug suit, and the back is stamped with "PRODUCTION UNIT 02" and "Evangelion 2.0 You can (not) advance." Highly recommend it to any of you Zippo fans out there. (of legal age to purchase a lighter, of coarse.) Now I just need to get the older (but not as cool because it isn't laser etched) Asuka Zippo.

Disclaimer: Well apparently my friend Mr. Washington wasn't enough to convince the people at Gainax to hand over their rights to Evangelion, so no, I don't own it. (I hope I'm not the only one that gets that joke)

"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards." - Robert Heinlein

I once was told that we are nothing but a sum of our experiences, that who we are is because of what we have overcome and what happens today will help pave the way for the who that we are going to be. I was fourteen when I was told this, and like the average fourteen year old mecha pilot that had graduated college, I thought I understood what he had said. I believed a person was a sum of their accomplishments, and therefore, I judged people based on their accomplishments. I judged myself based upon my accomplishments, at least I thought I did. But I didn't, no, I couldn't, I couldn't hold myself to the same standards that I held everyone else to, I was better. I was destined for greatness. I was a sum of my failures, so I made damn sure I never failed. After all, I was a fourteen year old savior of the world _and_ a child prodigy.

_I was destined for greatness._

No one ever told me that every teenager thinks they know everything, but it turns out, not even fourteen year old geniuses know a damn thing when it comes to the real world. I may have not known that then, but it's glaringly apparent now. I even know that a heart broken, twenty-four year old single mother of the worlds most beautiful daughter still doesn't know dick when it comes to the real world. I fought this logic at first, but I can no longer ignore it.

I am not the person I was when I was fourteen.

I started becoming more open after instrumentality, well more open to Shinji at least. I am not embarrassed to admit he was my crutch - metaphorically and physically - for the first few months after we came back. He did everything. He led me back to the apartment, he took care of me when my insides hurt too much for me to move, he _borrowed_ a few dozen batteries and a power inverter so we could have electricity for the water heater and stove and he also built a greenhouse on the roof. All of these things impressed me, but what really made me see him in a different light is when he would protect me from other guys. For some reason or another, more guys were showing up then girls, and it's not like all guys acted like perverts, most just made comments, but Shinji would literally get into a fight with any guy that tried to touch me inappropriately. He got hurt a couple of times, but he always ended up wining, I don't know how but the baka actually knew how to fight. That's when I also started thinking about how in the hell he knew how to wire a bunch of batteries in a series to increase the voltage, and then wire a few banks of batteries in parallel to increase the available capacity. Shinji was never as stupid as I claimed him to be, but he had never been able to match wits with me.

Then one day it hit me, during Instrumentality he had become one with everyone. I was confused at first, if he had drawn knowledge from everyone, why was there still things he couldn't do? But then I remembered he had told me that when he was one with mankind he had sought out the ones he loved. That was not only the piece to the puzzle of how he knew this stuff, but why he was doing all of this for me. He learned to fight from Misato, he learned to survive from Kensuke, he learned to be a gardener from Kaji and he gained knowledge from me... That's when I finally understood why Shinji was going to such great lengths to provide for and protect me.

He loved me.

I just didn't know if it was a love you have for a family member, or a spouse.

It was kinda weird seeing Shinji be so... dominant. I was used to a spineless wimp, but he didn't act like a typical tough guy would act. He was still kind, caring and thoughtful of other people, and he would do anything I would ask of him. He was the perfect guy, and I wasn't the only girl that noticed. I cried the first time I caught him _being_ with another woman, I had wondered why he hadn't asked me, not that I would have anyways, but he could have at least tried. But he didn't try it with me, not that time and not the next ten or fifteen times. I had started to hate myself for thinking that he was in love with me, for thinking it was okay to allow myself to have feelings for him.

The light squeal of some tires draws my attention to the real world, the real world that consists of sitting in the back seat of a smelly cab while my daughter takes her afternoon nap. I swear to God, if the driver doesn't stop staring at my chest from the rear view mirror... I take a couple deep breaths to calm myself, I hate not telling him what I think of him, but that was the old Asuka. I haven't been her in five years, not since _he_ broke my heart. I had finally opened myself to a person, and I mean fully opened myself up. He was the first person to ever see my beauty mark, he was my first lover, he was the first person I ever told about my moms suicide and he was the first person I openly cried in front of since I was four. To be honest, I blamed myself at first. I didn't treat him as good as I should have, as good as I used to, and I didn't give him the emotional support that he needed. I would yell at him when ever he showed weakness, I would call him stupid whenever he gave his opinion on something, and I would smack him when his sobbing would wake me up in the middle of the night.

There was one time that we were supposed to go out to a movie, but he started having one of his break downs, he was just sitting on the floor, hugging his knees and crying for twenty minutes or so. Well, I got pissed because he was carrying on a little longer then I thought necessary and we were going to miss our movie. So, I told Shinji that I was going to see the movie without him, and that he could join me at the theater whenever his testicles decided to descend. I went to the movie and just happened to run in to one of my coworkers, Damon, the one that makes Shinji uncomfortable when ever I would talk about him. Shinji eventually joined me about thirty minutes into the movie.

He was pissed.

When we got home I tried to convince him that it was just a coincidence that he was there, that he had nothing to worry about because he was the one I loved. Shinji looked me in the eye with a tear streaming down his cheek and told me that I didn't know what love is.

Shinji treated me differently after that, he stopped buying me flowers, he stopped sending me E-mails at work to say how much he missed me and the sex was... once in a blue moon to say the least. And when we would, it was rougher then usual and he stopped pulling out. About three months after that night is when I caught him cheating, it's also the same day I learned I was pregnant.

I may have not have been a good girlfriend, but I am the best mother I could be, I put her needs before mine every waking moment. But I don't spoil her, she knows that she needs to earn what ever it is that she wants in life, but she knows that her mama will be there to help her the whole way. And if she don't make it? Her mama will still love her. And because of all of this, I need to swallow my pain... my pride. Katie needs a father, even if it's going to kill me.

She is my reason for coming back to this country after five years. I will not knowingly or willingly deprive my daughter of anything that will help her become whomever she wants to be. That, and I need to get rid of the guilt I have for treating him that way. Please don't take this the wrong way, he is a bastard and a son of a bitch for cheating on me, but he only did it because I forced him to be someone he isn't. I wanted him to be more aggressive, I wanted him to be more assertive and I wanted him to stop being such a pussy. I guess I should have listened when someone said _"you better watch what you wish for"_.

'I wonder if he still thinks about me?' I think to myself as I run my hand through Katie's hair. Her hair is like mine, except she has brunette undertones instead of my blonde highlights, a gift from her father no doubt. You should have seen how excited Katie was to find out that she was finally going to see her father. I just hope he doesn't displace his hatred for me onto her. I'm sure he would like to beat me like the red headed step child that I am, but Shinji wasn't the type of person to hit a woman.

I had called Misato a couple weeks ago, I had told her how I wanted to come back to Japan and set things right. She honestly sounded happy to hear from me, until it clicked in her mind what

I had to set right. I can't say I blame her, but I really took offense to what she said when I told her I had a daughter. I cried for two days because of her.

I didn't tell her Shinji was the father. No one needs to know before he does.

I see the hotel we are staying at two blocks ahead on the left. I awaken Katie from her slumber. "We're here sweetie!" I say to her with a smile on my face. She takes her hands and rubs her eyes before revealing her baby blues to the world. She takes a second to look around before she realizes that we have in fact arrived. "Is daddy here?!" She asks excitedly as I open our door.

"No baby, but mommy promises you will see him soon." I can see the disappointment on her face, she drops her shoulders and nods her head. After exiting the vehicle, I wrestle with getting the luggage out of the trunk because the lazy bastard of a driver couldn't be bothered to help a single mother... Deep breath, in-and-out. I sometimes wonder if being a nicer person is worth the tumor that I inevitably have growing in my stomach from suppressing all of this anger. Stupid tree hugging hippies and their damn anger management techniques... Deep breath, in-and-out.

"Let's get to our room baby." My left eye twitches at my minds refusal to let me give the cabbie the finger. Katie grabs my hand and we walk to the entrance being held open by the doorman. "Good afternoon ladies." The doorman says with a bow. We both smile at him and return the courtesy before entering. The lobby is has an overwhelming feeling of warmth, the large lobby is decorated in earthy tones, the floor looks like a combination of champagne and marble. I can't help but enjoy the sound of my open toed high heals clicking on the marble floor as we walk up to the front desk. I think it has to do with the fact that all men in a fifty foot radius always stare at the chick clicking in her high heels. And for some reason, they seem to get even more excited when said chick is wearing them while wearing a pair of jeans.

"Name please?" Asks the smartly dressed woman behind the mahogany wood counter.

"Asuka Soryu." I state with a smile. The lady pushes some keys on her keyboard before swiping three cards. She puts each card into a separate envelope and writes the room number down on each envelope. "Here are you key cards Miss. Soryu. Please enjoy your stay." She says with a smile. I say my thanks and take the key cards and put all but one in my back pocket. A bell hop had been summoned, he took our bags and escorted us into the elevator to access our third floor room. He seems nice enough, but I can't help but get a strange feeling when I look at him. Maybe it's because he is a poorly disguised section two agent.

"How long has she been waiting for us to arrive." I say after letting out a sigh.

He gives a small chuckle. "Is it that obvious Miss. Soryu?"

"To be honest, I wouldn't have known if it wasn't for the fact that your jacket isn't properly let out in the shoulders enough to hide the strap to your holster." I say nonchalantly.

"Don't worry Miss. Soryu, we are not under orders to detain you." I give him a small smile.

"No, but that person may change her mind when she sees me." He gave a shrug of his shoulders.

"She does seem to be pretty upset, but we are to be stationed here for the duration of your visit, for protective duty."

Great, now I have to be worried about being properly covered at all times. "You guys bugged my room, didn't you?" I place my hands on my hips.

"Of course, but only audio and infrared. That insures you still maintain a certain level of privacy with out a decrease in safety."

"How come she believes I need the protection?" Something is definitely not being said.

"Better safe then sorry." The elevator chimes at our floor. I start to grow nervous with every step taken towards the door. I bet she was the one that set it up so I would be in room 303. Very funny Misato, very funny. Bitch.

"Now if you will excuse me ma'am, I believe you and Commander Katsuragi have some unfinished business to attend with." He gives a lite bow and waves to Katie before heading back to the elevator. "Well baby girl, you ready to meet grandma Misato?" She nods her head. Apparently, she still hasn't grasped the concept of sarcasm. I swipe the card and open the door.

A lump catches in my throat. "Hello, _Asuka_."

"I-I wasn't expecting to see you here." I mentally slap myself for stuttering. Misato walks up to me and physically slaps me. Hard. Maybe a little too hard. I brace myself against the wall.

"That's for not saying goodbye before leaving." She slapped me again and I fall to my knees against the wall. "That's for not bothering to write or call for five years!" I brace myself for a third slap, however, it becomes apparent as my head bounces off the wall and I fall to the floor that she had hit me with her fist. She says something about hurting Shinji, at least I think that's what she said, everything is disoriented and funny sounding. I fall as I try to pick myself up. My vision goes blurry and the side of my face is smashed up against the carpet. I think I hear Katie crying, or... maybe I'm crying. Oh wait, it's Katie, but I'm unable to comfort her.

"D-Damn Misato." I say as the pain increases in direct relation to my level of consciousness.

"If it wasn't for Kaji, you would have gotten a lot worse." She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. "Now I think you owe me and explanation." She sat in a chair opposite of the couch she put me on. I pinch my nose and hold up my free hand. "J-Just give me a f-few minu... shit. Give me a minute to clear my head."

After a few minutes with my eyes closed I feel a little better. I open my eyes and look at her. She is looking at me defiantly, obviously expecting an explanation. "I left because I had caught Shinji cheating on me." I wince as I touch my cheek.

"Define caught and cheating." Her body movement still suggests a high level of aggression, and based upon her facial expressions, I doubt she believes me. I'm just glad she stopped hitting me. I tell Katie to go to the bedroom and play with her dolls before I tell Misato my story.

_Flash Back_

I impatiently sat in the examination room, waiting for my doctor to come back in. I had already read the nine year old magazine twice, and now I was trying to find a way to make a rudimentary club out of it in hopes of rendering myself unconscious, or maybe beat a nurse into telling me the results. "_Oh I'm sorry Miss Soryu, but only doctors are aloud to give a patient their results._" I say sarcastically as I search for a blunt object.

"Sorry to have kept you waiting." Said the middle aged black haired woman as she entered the room. I nodded my head. "So, what's the news?"

"Congratulations, you're pregnant." The doctor gave me a smile.

I stared at her in shock. "I-I'm pregnant?!" I subconsciously rubbed my stomach.

"I take it you weren't planning on this?" This crazy woman who clearly has issues with reality smiled at me.

"N-No, well Shinji wanted to have a baby after college, but we were told I couldn't have kids" I said in disbelief. "There must be a mistake, I can't get pregnant."

"I ran the test twice."

I was still in shock as I made my way out of my doctor's office. I unlocked my white Porsche Cheyenne Turbo S, opened the door and sat in the driver seat. I put my trembling hands on the steering wheel. "I-I'm pregnant." I quickly grabbed my purse and looked for my cellphone, until I remembered leaving it on the counter at home.

I look at my watch and see that Shinji isn't supposed to leave for class for another thirty minutes, so I quickly head out of the parking lot and towards home.

"That stupid bitch told me I couldn't have kids!" I yelled at my steering wheel. The bitch in question was none other then Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. She had said that despite all of my visible injuries being healed when I came back from the ring of life, I still had serious internal injuries. According to her, I only had 93% lung function, 76% liver function and 82% kidney function. But the worst news came when she said my ovaries had been too damaged to function at all. They were just there to take up space. I'll openly admit that I bawled on the spot, but nothing had compared to how hard I cried when I told Shinji. I had always told myself that I didn't want to have kids, but I knew I could if I ever changed my mind. Not anymore. I had been denied the most basic human right. The right to be a parent.

And yet here I am, nineteen and pregnant with my finance's baby. Life can be funny like that sometimes.

"I'm going to kick that perverted baka's ass!" I once again verbally assaulted my steering wheel. I feel angry, but I also feel something else... I don't really know what the feeling is, but it feels nice. And it's not like it's horrible timing or anything, I already graduated college, so I wouldn't be missing out on any schooling, and we both have very large bank accounts, so money isn't an issue. And being pregnant is an excellent excuse to get out of doing any house work.

I was lost in my own little world thinking about this thing growing inside of me. I probably wouldn't have noticed I was home if it wasn't for one little detail...

'Hikari's here? She must be asking Shinji for advice on what do with her stooge boyfriend again.' I thought to myself as I stepped out of my truck and walked up to our front door. I walked into the house and put my purse and keys on the counter, next to my forgotten cellphone. 'That's weird, I thought for sure they would have been in the kitchen.' I shrug my shoulders and then I hear a faint sound.

"_Oh my God Shinji!"_

My heart skipped a couple beats and my stomach dropped to the floor.

"It's ok Asuka, he's probably just showing her what he got you for your anniversary." My words had no soothing effect.

I quietly started walking around the house, but the more I looked, the more scared I became. 'Please god no.' Went through my mind as I slowly made my way up the stairs. By the time I made it to the last step I could clearly hear the bed squeaking from my bedroom. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I put my hand on the door handle.

'I beg you god, please let me be wrong.' I opened the door.

"Shinji?" I whispered as tears rolled off my cheek. The two adulterers were too preoccupied to notice me standing in the doorway. I slowly backed away from the door until I hit the railing, I had kept myself from breaking down until I had made it to the Suv.

_End Flashback_

Misato looks at me with a blank expression. "What happened next?"

"I just drove around, I eventually ended up at the airport." I wipe the tears from my cheek. "I just ended up there, so I thought it was a sign to buy a ticket and go back to Germany."

Misato narrows her eyes. "Shinji was having an affair with Hikari?" She shakes her head. "Didn't you tell Toji?"

"No, I may dislike the dumb ass, but he doesn't need to be hurt by my mistakes." I say while I close my eyes to try and stop my tears.

"How is Shinji cheating on you your mistake?"

I clear my throat before answering. "I-I didn't treat him good enough, so he was forced to find emotional support somewhere else." A couple more tears make their way down my cheek.

Misato looks at me like I have a dildo strapped to my head. She lowers her head and pinches her nose. "That is the stupidest fucking thing you have ever said Asuka."

"Misato, if I had just shown him how much I loved him a little more often then I did, then maybe he wouldn't have cheated!" I place my right hand on my left arm and stare at my thighs.

"But it's not like you weren't like that before you two started dating!" Misato swung her arms through the air. I look up to her and give her a confused look. "If he wasn't ok with the way you acted, then he should have never asked you out in the first place!" Misato said loudly.

"I-I... No, your wrong!" I shout. "It's my fault!" This is the first time that thought has seemed a little off.

"Asuka, who told you it was your fault?" I look at Misato, but I find that I can't keep eye contact with her. "Shinji wouldn't hurt me unless I had already hurt him." I wrap my arms around my stomach, yet find no comfort.

"Who told you it was your fault?" I flinch at the harshness in her voice.

"My father, when I moved back in." I said softly.

"You moved back in with your dad?!" Misato obviously remembered how much I hated that man. He was almost as bad of a father as Shinji's dad, the big difference between the two is that my dad didn't try to kill off the entire human race. We often joked about how when we would be married, we wouldn't have to worry about putting up with any in-laws. Which reminds me, I should probably go visit Yui's grave before too long. I didn't know her, and Shinji and I are no longer together, but back in Germany, I learned that his mom and my mom were actually friends. Plus she still is Katie's Grandma, and I also _really_ want to tell her how much of an asshole her son has been.

I nod my head and wipe away my tears. "I was only there for a couple days, once he learned that I was going to be an unwed mother..." I pause to keep myself from sobbing. "H-He said he didn't want some worthless little whore living under his roof." I covered my face as I can no longer stop from sobbing. Misato gives me a couple minutes to compose myself before asking her next question.

"Asuka, I take it Shinji is the father of your child?" I can see that her face has softened, or maybe it's just because my vision is still blurry from the tears.

"Yes." I wait for Misato to call me a lair, but she just stares at me.

"Your positive?"

"He was, and still is, the only person I have ever been intimate with." Misato jerks in response as I wipe away a tear. It's been so long that I can't even remember what it's like to be intimate.

"After all this time? Why?" I look at her as if she was stupid. "K-Katie needs a mother more then I need... w-well anything, her life is more important than mine."

"But Asuka, you could have a life and still been a good mother. You don't need to worry about turning out like your mother." Misato moved from the chair to the seat right next to me. I lost all control of my tears as she pulled me into a hug. I haven't cried as hard as I am now in years, well, five years to be more specific. But what do you expect? You try going for that long thinking that yourself, as an entity, is unlovable and you are incapable of doing anything for yourself without it hurting your daughter? And let's not forget that this is the only emotional support I have had – aside from my daughter – since I left.

I still don't know if I believe I didn't push him into her arms, but I do know I didn't force him. He had options, yet he chose to cheat.

I cry in relief of my guilt; I cry because he had chosen to partake in an activity that would hurt me.

Willingly.

Misato runs her hand through my hair as I start to get a grip on myself. Apparently I have cried long enough for Katie to come out of the bedroom and fall asleep on the love seat. Misato releases her grip as I sit up and adjust my shirt. She gently moved a strand of hair from in front of my face before caressing my cheek with the back of her hand.

"How did your pregnancy go?" Misato asked as she stood up and went to the small kitchen to get a wash rag.

"It was hard because I was alone, and yet knowing I had a child growing in me made it so I didn't feel so alone." I took the rag and cleaned up my face.

"Shit." Misato let's out a sigh and pinches her nose. "Hikari was pregnant shortly after you left." My body starts trembling and my mind goes blank. I blink a couple times before responding.

"Y-You don't t-think, d-do you?" I see her mouth moving in response to my question, but I can't hear anything over the sound of my heart breaking all over again.

"M-Maybe it's just a coincidence?" I say to myself more then anything.

"I think it's best if we just don't worry about that right now. I think what is most important is to figure what kind of role Shinji is going to play in his daughters life." Misato holds her face in her hands. I stay silent as I contemplate the possibilities.

"Katie is anxious to meet her father, I don't know if I am ready to see him though."

"Let's worry about that tomorrow, why don't you and Katie come to my house with me, I know Kaji wants to meet her and I need a drink."

I nod my head. "Will you watch Katie while I jump in the shower real quick?"

***

Luckily for me and Katie, Misato has toned down her driving to a level that is only some what reckless. At least she stops at red lights now, well, most of them. Katie finds her driving amusing to say the least. She has been giggling and clapping her hands for the last eight blocks, while I find myself actively trying to keep the contents of my stomach down. I never used to get motion sickness before I got pregnant, I also didn't have to watch my weight as much either. I used to be able to eat anything, but now I have steady regiment of running three miles in the morning, followed by an hour or two of yoga in the evening. Needless to say, all of that exercise has really payed off. My stomach, butt, legs, arms and waist are all nice and tight, while my breasts – having my breast go to a 36c cup was the second best thing to come from my pregnancy – are perky and firm thanks to not being able to breastfeed. Apparently, I am unable to produce enough milk, so Katie had to be put on formula from the get go. I have this magnificent body, and yet no one to show it off to. Maybe I can get Misato to go to the beach with me...

Speaking of Misato, she is staring at me questioningly. "Is there a problem?" I cock my head to the side and look at her funny. I then notice why she asked. Apparently during my speech about my body, I had decided to feel my breasts. My face flashes red and I stutter. "I-I was just thinking about my body." Misato laughs.

"Well Asuka, I don't blame you, if I was a lesbian, and I didn't see you as some sort of a daughter figure, I would totally do you."

"Misato!" I yell in shock.

"What? I was just telling you that your hot. You should be flattered."

"So, what do you think Kaji will think?" I wear a devilish grin on my face.

"Hey, as long as he doesn't say your name in bed tonight I don't care." I know Misato is the king of messing with people, But Asuka Langley Soryu isn't competing in the lite weight division anymore.

I lean in close to her ear while I whisper, "Maybe if your lucky," I place my hand on her inner thigh, "Tonight _you_ will be saying _my_ name."

"Asuka!" Misato shouted before she could stop her self. She stopped at the light and looked at me. "You've learned well, grasshopper."

I can't help but smile. "Thanks."

"All joking aside, I think Kaji will be even more worried about you, once he sees how well you've... um, _Grown up_, so to speak." Misato flips on the indicator for a left turn. "And I think he is going to be mentally slapping himself when ever your around, so make sure you flaunt it really hard. It's been awhile since I have had anything to yell at him about."

I can't help but laugh. "You want him to check me out so you can yell at him?"

"How do you think I get him to do the projects I want done around the house?" She says as she pulls the car into the driveway of a Victorian styled two story house. It's definitely not something you would expect to see in Japan.

"Wow Misato, your home is beautiful." I say with an awe struck look on my face. However, she looks at me like I'm stupid. "But Asuka, you h... Oh, that's right, you left right before we had this built." We all exit out of the vehicle.

"Speaking of houses, if you didn't live with your dad, where did you live?" Misato asked as she opened the front door.

"I was still waiting on my account to be transferred over to the bank in Germany, so I had to stay in a homeless shelter for two nights... Why are you laughing?"

"S-Sorry," She pauses to wipe away a tear. "Just can't imagine _you_ being at a homeless shelter."

"Having your heartbroken by your fiancée and best friend, and then having your father treat you like a dirty little whore tends to strip away your pride." I say with a little bit of venom.

Misato looses her smile and nods. She opened her mouth to say something when she was interrupted by Kaji. "Hello Asuka."

I give a smile and walk up and hug him. "Hi Kaji." It's a little weird to think this, but his hug makes me feel accepted.

I let out a little sniffle and we separated. I wiped the tears in my eyes away and introduced Katie. "This my daughter Katie. Katie, this is your grandpa Kaji." Katie doesn't hesitate to reach her arms out to him, Kaji smiles and picks her up. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Katie."

Katie smiles. "I have never met any of my family before."

Kaji keeps his smile as he asks her a question. "Haven't you ever met your fathers family?"

Katie eyes lit up and she grew excited. "I've never met my daddy, but my mama promises that I will get tot meet him really soon!"

Kaji's smile drops and he looks at me, confused, before putting Katie down. "Misato, why don't you take Katie into the living room and turn on cartoons for her." Misato nodded her head and took Katie's hand. "She has never met her father?" Kaji says with anger in his voice.

I place my right hand on my left arm. "Her father doesn't know he is a father."

"Your kidding me." I shake my head no. "Do you even know who the father is?"

I give Kaji a disgusted look. "I know who the father is, I just haven't spoken to him in five years."

Kaji looks at me confused, again. "Why?"

I tell Kaji my story up until this point. He seems to take it pretty well. "So, I missed out on five years of your life because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants?" Maybe he didn't take it so well.

"Y-Yea."

"Why didn't you come to me?" Kaji gently puts his hands onto my arms.

"I didn't know what to do, so I just ran away." I put my arms around his back and lay my head on his chest. He places an arm around my shoulder and places a hand on the back of my head. We stay like that for a few moments before joining Misato and Katie in the living room. Misato had found some coloring pencils and some blank notebook paper. They were both working on drawing a house, Misato made the shapes and Katie colored them in.

For a second, I almost felt like this was my home.

A/N: What did you think? Is it worth continuing or should I leave the writing to the people that can actually write?


	2. God Amongst Men

A/N: I would like to say thinks to all the people that reviewed chapter one. I will try not to disappoint you with this chapter.

I don't own Evangelion, if I did, I would be paying a helluva lot more child support to my ex-wife then I currently am, which is still a shit load.

I don't understand women, why do they get all pissy when you kick them out in the morning? I was upfront and honest, I told them that it would be nothing but sex. Nothing. Yet, I just got bitched out by two girls from Okinawa. What were they expecting? Breakfast? Sorry, I stopped cooking for other people a couple years ago, I barely cook for myself anymore. It takes passion that I just don't have to cook good food. I grab the bottle of whiskey from the fridge along with a glass of ice and head to the living room. I sit on my coach, pour myself a glass and open my laptop to check my E-mail.

The first fifteen involve some sort of penis enlargement or male pattern baldness. I swear, just because I used to pilot a huge robot doesn't mean I need to compensate for anything. I mean Christ, I was never nicknamed snuffelupecus in high school or anything, but I have nothing to be ashamed of. Anyways, once I've gotten past the crap, I see an E-mail from Kensuke. His E-mail consisted of one sentence.

"_THE DEVIL IS IN JAPAN."_

Now either Armageddon has happened while I was knee deep in a couple twenty year old girls, or Kensuke is trying to tell me that my ex has returned. I stand up and open my blinds, I see people.

"Shit."

I sit back down on my couch and stare at the computer screen. I pull my iPhone out of my pocket and dial his number.

"_The person you are trying to rea..."_

I hang up the phone and grumble a few curses. I go back to checking my E-mail, apparently he had sent me two.

"_Personally, I don't see what the big deal is, I mean after all, you guys haven't been together in five years and I know you hate the bitch as much as I do. Toji however, thinks that you should know that the devil apparently found someone desperate enough to have sex with her... the bitch has a daughter."_

I sit back and calmly stare at the screen. After a few moments, I calmly emptied my drink. I then calmly jumped up and over turned my coffee table before I calmly grabbed the the floor lamp and started to calmly beat it against the wall.

After my little lapse in self control, I sat back down and started drinking from the bottle. I hope to hell she knows I hate her. No seriously, I swear I do. Well, maybe not as much as I used to... But I definitely dislike her, and in no way do I harbor any sort of romantic feelings for her. You know what? I'll admit that it hurts to know that some other man is the father of her child, er children... She is someone's baby mama. I hate her for that. God damn it, alright I don't hate her, but I am very displeased with the recent turn of events. You happy now? Good, now get off my ass.

"Stupid non-Asuka hating conscious."

Truth be told, I want to hate her, but I can't blame her for not wanting to stay with a loser like me. Don't give me that savior of the world crap either. I had my dream woman, yet I couldn't keep my dick out of her best friend. If she would have ever found out I was dicking Hikari... I'm confident she would have killed me. Asuka never found out, but I still think her leaving was karma for cheating on her.

To be honest, me and Asuka were going through a rough patch. Apparently so was Hikari, one day we just started confiding in each other. It was a little weird, our significant others were each others best friends, but it was actually helpful when we would want to talk about our problems. And at first, it was _just_ emotional support, we were just confidants for one another, until one night I let one little sentence slip...

"_I wish Asuka was more like you."_

At first it was nothing more then an awkward moment, until she said she had wished Toji was more like me. My heart jumped into my throat and I was starting to get light headed. So I did the only rational thing I could think of at the time.

I kissed her.

But not one of those Hollywood bullshit kisses, were the impression is given that the kissers are feeling a great emotional overload as soon as their lips meet. No, the only thing that was going through my mind when our lips made contact was that I couldn't believe how right it felt. You see, when I would kiss Asuka, I would feel like I would have to kiss her like a porn star in order to make her happy. But with Hikari, the greatness of the kiss was in its simplicity, we weren't trying to impress each other, we were just _enjoying_ each other. The same thing applied when we were intimate, I never fucked her, I always made love to her. The only time Asuka wanted it slow was when I took her virginity, other then that, it was always about trying it in a different position, or let's do it on the kitchen table, etc, etc.

I have thought about it over the last couple years, and I have come to a conclusion. I think she was like that to keep me interested, she was afraid of me getting bored with her.

Ok, so maybe I read that in her dairy when she left, sue me.

Before Asuka left, I had honestly felt that I was in love with Hikari. And to be honest, when I first learned that Asuka wasn't coming back, I felt relieved. Toji was now the only thing standing in my way, but something funny happened that night, I started bawling as soon as my head hit the pillow. The heartbreak I felt after that told me where my heart was. I guess that saying _"You don't know what you have until it's gone"_ isn't just a quote to post as your facebook status, it's a warning to anyone wise enough to listen.

I can't even tell you how many times I would just start crying when I would start to wonder if she was with another man, I would wonder if she is having sex right at that moment, or maybe she was being taken advantage of in a strange country with no one around to help. Unprovoked irrational thoughts would consume me for the first two years or so, that's when I learned that if you drink enough whiskey, the thoughts just disappear, along with large chunks of time. I still don't know why the hell Kensuke starts acting funny when ever I ask if he wants to join me for a drink. Something tells me I don't want to know.

Apparently, my irrational thoughts weren't so irrational, she has a child. I guess it was for the best that Misato took my pistol. At least I still have my bottles. She tried taking those away too, but I informed her that I never expected to see eighteen, so everyday over that is a bonus. She doesn't see the humor in that like I do. She also tries not to comment about all the hate and bitterness in my eyes, I think it depresses her. I don't know what's so depressing, I surround myself in booze and easy women. And it's not like I don't take precautions, I only buy the top shelf whiskey and I always wear a condom. I'm fairly certain that I am single-handedly keeping Trojan in business.

But to be honest, I had thought I would have been able to drowned myself in alcohol by now, or at the very least picked up the wrong woman. Some chick who has 'daddy issues' and cuts a man's throat when ever he says _"Not like that Gloria!"_,or something like that. Instead, I get the women that think that me having sex with them is me agreeing to a non-verbal commitment to be their boyfriend. Or maybe I say things to them when I'm drunk, oh well, they should know better then to put any faith in drunken banter. Either way, you should see how pissed they get when I kick their ass to the curb, metaphorically speaking of coarse.

"Shit."

And it's not like I am some miserable hermit, as indicated earlier, there have been plenty of woman to keep me company, and I even have a list of my favorite three or four that I keep in touch with. But there is one girl that I could see myself being committed to, her name is Celine, she is five foot four, hundred and three pounds with medium length blonde hair and blue eyes, part German if you must know. We have gone on a couple real dates and I have also introduced her to my friends. I honestly think that I might have feelings for her. Maybe.

Back to the subject of Asuka, I'm curious to find out who the father of her baby is, if he has joined her here in Japan, or if he was just one of the random guys at a random party... It hurts me to think of Asuka as being a whore, but I think it hurts more to think that she was in love with someone else enough to have their children. Hell, she always threw something at me when ever I mentioned children... I always thought it was because she couldn't have kids. Now I know it was just that she didn't want to have children with me. I can't believe that I cried with her when she told me she couldn't have kids, she obviously faked the appointment with Ritsuko just so I wouldn't bring up the kid subject again. I always knew I wasn't good enough for her. I just didn't think she felt the same way. But what should I expect? After all, I did cheat on her with her best friend.

I take another swig and place the bottle on the end table; I stand up and head to the bathroom to get a shower before I head over to Kensuke's to get some answers. I turn the hot water to just below scalding and step in. the hot water flowing over my body helps loosen up the muscles in my back, and it also let's me pretend that I'm not crying.

"Shit."

I surprise myself by only taking a ten minute shower, normally when I am in a mood like this I spend at least a half hour contemplating the actions that have brought me to this conclusion. Truth be told, I'm anxious to find out what exactly is going on, without actually having to deal with that bitch. I towel myself off and dress myself in a pair of khaki shorts and a white Polo shirt and a pair of Nike's. I head to the kitchen, grab a couple of beers and proceed to the comfort of my recliner in the living room. I definitely need some liquid courage to make it through the day. I find it strange how much I am still affected by her leaving. It's been five years for Christ sake, why hasn't the pain lessened? I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day she will just randomly pop in my head, and each time it happens, it's like the knife gets pushed in a little deeper.

I think I need to be honest with myself. I still love her, and it kills me that has a child.

How am I supposed to react to that? Part of me is happy that she was able to find someone that made her happy enough to want to bear his child, but a larger part feels dead because it wasn't me. I can't even begin to comprehend why I would have ever thought I wasn't in love with her. Don't get me wrong, Hikari is an amazing woman, but she isn't Asuka. I guess I just took what I had for granted.

I made a mistake, I am only human.

It's amazing how far her and I had come. When we first met, I thought she was a loud mouth foreigner with an over inflated ego, and I was right. But despite all of that, I couldn't help but to have a crush on her, and once I started seeing through her facade, that crush turned into something more. I don't know if I would call it love, but I definitely felt a connection.

Then instrumentality happened.

Just imagine being a God. No, not _the_ God jackass, but _a_ God. I leached knowledge and skills and dreams and hopes and memories from every entity I came in contact with, but what really... opened my eyes so to speak, was when I would learn people's secrets. When I learned _her_ secrets.

I can't tell you how many times I have been interrogated since people started coming back. It was almost an everyday event at first, I would agree to talk to them on two conditions. The first one is that Asuka would accompany me at all times, and the second was that she was not to be harmed. The interrogations were rough at first; I have had my ribs broken a couple of times when they didn't believe I was telling the truth. I can't say I blame them, who would believe some fourteen year old kid had become a God? And that's when I would tell them a secret, well, one of their secrets to be exact. I found it humorous, they found violating. One person even accused me of rapping his mind. I didn't take kindly to that. I explained how they were the ones forcing their information on me, I didn't want it. More appropriately, _they had raped me_, figuratively and literally, sort of... I can't count the number of times I had to mentally relive somebody elses rape, it never got easy, I mean imagine the agony a woman goes through when she is raped, and then imagine experiencing that thousands of times over. All in the blink of an eye. Maybe that explains why before I got with Asuka, I wasn't content with just one woman, maybe I felt I needed to prove to all of those woman that not every guy is like that, or maybe I was trying to replace all of those rape memories with positive sexual memories of my own.

I get out of my chair, finish off my beer and grab my house keys. I bypass my garage and take a short walk to my pole barn; This is where I keep my fun vehicles. I unlock the door and try and decide which car to take. My options are between a deep red Ferrari F430 Scuderia, a white Porsche 911 GT3, a red with black racing stripes Dodge Viper ACR, a year old deep blue BMW M5, a silver R35 GTR and in the corner under a sand colored car cover is Asuka's white Porsche Cayenne Turbo S, I had it towed to our house after it was found at the Airport, and when I moved into this place I obviously brought it with me. I decide to be flamboyant and hop in the Viper . The V10 rumbles to life with the first twist of the key. I let the car idle for a few moments to make sure all the vital internal components are properly lubed and place the gearbox in reverse and back out of the pole barn. I cock the steering wheel to the right to swing the car into the road before my left foot goes on the clutch and my right on the brake. I select first gear, transfer my foot from the brake to the gas while letting the clutch out. Nice and smooth. Three thousand rpm's warrants a switch to second as I once again dance with the gearbox. Third gear rolls around and I decide that car has had ample amount of time to come to a proper operating temperature before I begin to dip into the loud pedal. Down shifting to first and a bit of opposite lock puts a smile on my face like nothing else. I feather the throttle to keep the ass end from switching places with the front end as smoke billows out of the rear of the car. I leave two long black stripes.

I am not one of those damn drifters or street racers, I don't drive like an asshole for bragging rights, money or even to show off. I drive like this because I love the feeling of becoming one with an automobile. It's like I become a part of the mechanical symphony, it's like I think and the car reacts. It's good stuff.

I cool it down and drive the rest of the way to Kensuke's at only a slightly reckless pace, In pull into his driveway, blip the throttle, hit the parking brake, turn the car off and and put the transmission in first. I walk up to his door and give the bell a ring. I wait a few more minutes before I ring it again. Still no answer so I let myself in. I find Kensuke and Toji passed out on the couch, a couple dozen beer cans surround the two lite weights. I walk into the kitchen and grab a phone book and a red bull from the fridge. I walk back into the living room and proceed to smack Kensuke across the face with the phone book.

"Wake up bitch your my new best friend." Kensuke holds his face in pain and mumbles something about a zoo...

"What the hell!?" He shouts as he uncovers his face.

I hand him the red bull. "That's what you get for telling me that shit in an E-mail instead of in person." I moved some cans from the lounger , threw the phone book on the coffee table and took a seat. Kensuke's place is a little on the small size with only two bedrooms, but the open design helps it feel bigger. Plus the you can be cooking in the kitchen and still be watching the game on the big screen. Although, I doubt there is a whole lot of cooking going on around here.

"Damn it man!" Kensuke chugs the can and tosses it into the pile.

"It stinks like sex in here." I say with a grin on my face.

"Very funny asshole." Kensuke rubs his face. "So, did you just come here to kick my ass or is there a reason?"

I pick up a Playboy and start thumbing through it. "I want information." Kensuke shakes his head.

"Dude you need to get over her." I drop the Playboy and raise the phone book. "Alright dude I'm sorry, geez." Kensuke stands and goes to the kitchen and grabs a couple of beers. He sits back down on his puke brown colored couch. He offers me a beer and I accept.

"Why is Toji sleeping here?" I ask before I take a swig.

"Typical bullshit, he can't keep his dick in his pants and she can't bring herself to leave him." I nod my head, but I can't help but to wonder why she didn't call me last night.

"What are you trying to find out?"

"Everything."

"Alright man, I'm gonna grab a shower real quick and then we can begin." Kensuke quickly finishes his beer and walks out of the room. I kick my feet up and sip on the beer. I pull out my iPhone and send a quick text to Hikari wandering if she needed to talk about it, she said no and that she was busy right now. I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed another beer from the table, I take a swig and lay my head back against the recliner. I think back to the day that started this series of events. The day I asked Asuka to be my girlfriend.

It was roughly two years after Instrumentality, we were still living in Misato's apartment and we were still attending high school. There had been a dance coming up and I had asked this girl I had been talking to for the past couple months to the dance, and by talking to, I mean having sex with. Well when we arrived at the dance, all of my friends kept giving me weird looks, and I also noticed Asuka hadn't made an appearance. I thought that was odd considering how much she had talked about wanting to go to the dance. Eventually Hikari pulled me off to the side and asked why I hadn't brought Asuka, I asked her why would I bring Asuka. Hikari just shook her head and said "You really don't get it, do you?". I just stared at her as she walked away.

For the next couple of days after the dance, Asuka wasn't Asuka. It was like she didn't have any fire left in her, she would walk around with her head down, and getting her to say anything was like pulling teeth. And when she would look at me, the sadness in her eyes were too much to bear. I didn't understand what was going on, so I asked Misato if she knew why Asuka was acting like this. Misato went on to tell me that I had hurt Asuka's feeling by not taking her to the dance, that she had thought that I was going to ask her. I asked why would me not asking her be such a big deal.

"Because she has feeling for you, and she thought you had feelings for her."

I heard what she had said, but for the life of me I just couldn't comprehend what she had meant. Asuka has feeling for me? That wasn't something I had ever thought possible,. So I took a couple days to wrap my little brain around the idea that Asuka liked me, and then one day after school, I walked right into her room, took her hand and asked if she wanted to go out on a date.

She said no.

I asked why, and she said "If I can't have all of you, then I don't want any of you."

Granted, that's not the first time she has told me that, but for some reason, this time I wasn't afraid of its implications. So I took a couple more days to decide if this course of action was what I really wanted and decided that Asuka was worth giving up the couple of "dates" I had. After school, I went to a florist and bought Asuka a dozen of the best red roses money could buy, along with a teddy bear. I hurried home, rushed inside, gave Asuka the flowers and the bear and asked her to be my girlfriend.

She said no, and continued to say no everyday for the next week.

She was testing me, or so I hoped.

This carried on for another couple of days, until one day I am siting at my desk, minding my own business, coloring, when Tia Mishitzu ( aka: Chesty Mc'huge juggs) came up to me and asked if I would like to get together later.

I said no.

She asked why and I said "I don't think it would be right for me to be with another woman while I am pursuing Asuka." All without coloring outside the lines.

That night, Asuka said yes.

I think about it, and I am absolutely shocked at my ignorance. I could have been with Asuka probably right after Instrumentality, and yet I was too blind to see it.

I take another sip of my beer as Toji starts to wake up. I open another beer and hand it to him after he sits up.

"What's up Shinji?" Toji asks groggily.

"Not much, just waiting for Kensuke to get out of the shower so he can look up some info."

Toji takes a drink and let's out a sigh. "Cheated on Hikari again."

"I heard, you apologize yet?"

"Nope, figured I would let her cool down first." Toji pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers me one. I accept and use a lighter I found on the table to light it. I generally don't smoke, but today I make an exception.

"So, who is she this time?" I ask as I blow smoke out of my nose.

***

"You know Shinji, this will only cause more pain." I look at Kensuke while narrowing my eyes.

"I don't care, I need to know." Kensuke shrugs his shoulder as he turns back to the computer screen. He hits a couple keys before a document pops up. I hand him one of Asuka's old drivers licenses that I kept in my wallet. He types in her info and a black screen with Nerv logos pops up asking for identification. I tell him my credentials, the screen is replaced with a status bar for a few moments before a blue screen pops up.

"Here we go, let's see... Asuka Langley Soryu, born Dec 4th, 2001... Red hair... Blah blah blah, wait." He takes the mouse and points to a name on the screen.

"Katie Marie Soryu, born May 5th, 2021. Brownish red hair with blue eyes. Born in Germany to parents Asuka Langley Soryu, father is unknown."

My heart drops into my stomach, apparently she is a whore. "Shit."

"Dude I always told you she was a slut."

"Kensuke, not now." I lean forward in my chair and cup my face. This sucks, if my math is right she would have had to have gotten pregnant right after she left. Wait, maybe she was pregnant before she left, maybe that's why she left, she knew she couldn't explain her way out of being pregnant with another mans baby! That fucking bitch went and got herself knocked up and didn't even have the balls to tell me to my face? What a fucking hypocrite!

"Hey, I just hacked her bank account, she is staying at the Nakamchi tower, I think you should go there and teach that bitch a lesson." The smirk on his face tells me that we are thinking of two very different ways of teaching. Mine is a misdemeanor, his is a felony plus lifetime registration. I am about to have a talk with him about how no means no when another page pops up. Apparently it's an Asuka fan page, I am to pissed to care until Kensuke clicks on a picture link. A Page opens and displays about hundred or so thumbnails. He clicks on a couple and their basically pictures that someone has taken when Asuka would be out in public. A lot of them included her daughter, who was a cute kid for being a bastard child. Me and Kensuke's mouths drop when he clicked on a picture of Asuka at the beach. She is absolutely stunning in a light blue bikini, she is sitting on her knees building a sand castle with Katie. Her stomach is perfectly toned and her chest is... well frankly her breasts are... Shit, what I was I talking about?

"Holy shit." Kensuke says as we stare at the picture. "Was she that hot when you were with her?"

I shake my head no, don't get me wrong, she was hot when we were together, but now she is on a whole new level. After a few minutes of mental masturbation, he goes through a couple more of her beach pics. The more I see her, the more I get depressed. We eventually stop looking at her pictures and he closed the web browser.

"I think I should head home." I say softly.

"Dude, if you need to talk..."

I look at him and see honest concern in his eyes. "If you were in my shoes, what would you be thinking?"

Kensuke takes a sip from his beer as he ponders my question. I am going to assume that his answer is going to be something like '_I would be glad that bitch is out of my life'_ or something along them lines. He was never one to hide his hatred for the red headed German girl, in fact, he had even made a website that went into details about his hatred of her and how he believed she was the anti-Christ. You can imagine how much that pissed her off.

"If I was you, I would be glad your not the one that is bound to her for the rest of your life because you have a child together."

That is an interesting point. No matter what I would have to be a part of her life, I would have to know about her and who's she is dating and vice-versa. I'm not sure how I would handle seeing her with her boyfriend. But on the other hand I would always have a connection to Asuka.

"What if I wanted to be bound to her? What if I told you that I never stopped loving her?"

Kensuke shakes his head. "Seriously man, it's time for you to grow up." I look at him confused. "It's been five fucking years! It's time you pull your head out of your ass and move on!"

"Dude..."

"No, don't give me that 'dude' bullshit! Your whole drowning yourself in booze and women is getting old. _Oh poor me, I'm Shinji Ikari, I'm handsome, rich and the savior of the world as we know it, but I am going to throw it all away over some worthless red headed slut!_"

I stare at Kensuke in stunned silence as he finishes off his beer and slams it on the table. "Do you have any idea what I would give to be you? And your just pissing everything away because of her! Well you know what Shinji? Fuck you."

Kensuke has always been the type of person to not see the big picture. Yea I may be good looking, rich and some would argue that I saved the world, but none of that is more important then love. See, Kensuke's problem is that he has never been in love, he will date a girl for a couple of weeks and then end it as soon as he starts to feel something. And he has the balls to say I need to grow up.

"I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. You think my life is so great?" I shake my head. "I wake up screaming every fucking night because I have the same nightmare were I watch the MP Eva's tear Asuka to shreds." I take a second to keep myself from yelling. "I drink like I do to quite the thoughts I have of _her_, if I could go one fucking hour without thinking about her I wouldn't need to drink. And the women? I am just trying to find someone to fill the void, or at the very least distract me from it." I hold my face in my hands. "You say you would give anything to be me. Well, I would give anything to be you."

And that is the sad truth. I, Shinji Ikari, would give anything to switch lives with Kensuke Aida.

Fuck I'm pathetic.

"Well I wouldn't want to be either of you assholes, and I'm handicapped!" Toji joins us with a shit eating grin on his face. "I swear, I leave you two alone for just a couple minutes and you go all homo on me." I can't help but chuckle.

"This coming from the guy that slept with the chick who used to be a dude?"

"How was I supposed to know?" Toji said in his defense.

"Maybe the fact the she, and I use the terms she lightly, had an adam's apple and her hands were bigger then yours!"

"I was drunk!"

That is Toji's argument for everything, he seems to think that being inebriated excuses you from taking responsibility for your actions. I swear that Toji is incapable of learning from his mistakes.

"And she told you before hand, which you replied, _now this I gotta see!_"

"I was really drunk!"

I stand up and brush off my shorts. "I hate to leave you ladies like this, but I promised Celine we would spend the night together." I walk out of Kensuke's house without saying another word. I hop in my car and head towards Celine's apartment. Lately, Celine has been pushing for me to be committed to her, but I have keep telling her that I'm just not ready to take a risk like that again right now. She says she understands, and I'm sure she does, but I am fully aware that she will not wait too much longer for me to come around. I don't know, maybe I should take the risk...


	3. Never Had A Friend Like Me

A/N: Sorry this has taken so long, I just haven't been in the mood to do any writing lately. I originally started writing fanfics because of a need to release some creative tension. Normally I would get my fix at work, (I'm an industrial designer) but when the economy crashed, the RV market crashed too. I maybe had 6 or 7 projects last year, therefore I needed a release. However, now I find myself having to work on multiple projects at once on top of having to tear apart my desktop to replace my failed CPU fan with a self contained liquid cooling unit on top of finding some fucking translation software to use between our Faro arm and SolidWorks because I don't want to use fucking SurfCam... etc... etc... So what it comes down to is a lack of creative juices. However, I will do my best to keep it under three weeks for future updates. I would also like to thank everyone that reviewed the last chapter, hopefully my non-existent writing skills will keep you all entertained.

-Beck

I don't own Evangelion and only an idiot would think I did. However, if you are said idiot, then I have some land in Florida to sell you...

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity." -Bill Vaughan

One thing that has always baffled me about man kind, is the way we attach feelings and emotions to physical objects. Take the object I'm holding in my hand for example. When you get down to the basics of its being, its just a hunk of metal with three stones in it that have been polished and arranged in such away to be visually pleasing. It's intent is to tell the world that the lady that wears this ring is spoken for. And back then I flaunted it with pride, not because of it's monetary value, but because I wanted the world to know I was spoken for. Someone was able to look past all the bad parts to see the good in me.

But that's not why I value it so much now.

I value it now because it reminds of a time in my life when I actually knew what it felt like to be unconditionally loved, it also reminds me how I pissed it all away.

Some people say it's a bad idea to keep something around that reminds you of your failures, that you can't move on until you accept that what happened, happened, and there is nothing that could be done about it now. I however, am from the school of thought that if you forget history your doomed to repeat it. And to be honest, I don't think I could make it though that again, so I have no intention of letting that happen.

The ring it's self isn't over the top, the band is 24k white gold with three princess cut diamonds. The middle diamond is half a carrot and the side ones are a quarter carrot apiece. He had proposed to me on my eighteenth birthday, but it was more then just a simple proposal at a dinner table. I don't know how the hell he pulled it off, but he managed to have all of our friends at the same restaurant with out me noticing. Not only that, but he had a white carriage with two white horses waiting outside the restaurant to take us around the city. The only way the night could have gone better is if that was the night I gave him my virginity, but it wasn't.

I had given it to him three days after we started dating, it wasn't something I really wanted to do, but I knew of his... appetite for sex so to speak, and I knew wouldn't be able to go long before he would find someone else to sleep with. At least that's the thought that kept running through my head, and it's not like he even hesitated for a second after I gave him the ok. Misato wonders how I've been able to go with out sex for the last five years, it's easy when every time you had sex it was strictly for the pleasure of the other person. Don't get me wrong, it felt good at times and I'm sure I would have enjoyed a lot more if he would have just made love to me, but I know that's not what he wanted, he wanted a little whore in the bedroom. Yet when I caught him and Hikari, they weren't fucking, he was making love to her...

I think that is what hurt the most.

Most people don't understand the difference between having sex and making love. Having sex is just about pleasure, about reaching that orgasm, making love is less about pleasure and more about emotions, it's about soaking in the other persons essence in an attempt to become one with them. It's more about the fore play then it is about the actually act. And it's not something that can be planned, it just something that happens when you both are full of passion for each other.

I pull the ring to my chest, close my eyes and give a little prayer asking God for the strength to do what I know needs to be done. The things I will do for my daughter...

I put the ring back in it's box and place it in my jewelry box. I went to the dresser and grabbed a pony tail so I can put my hair up, then I proceeded to the closet and grabbed my black Under Armor shorts, white sports bra and blue tank top before putting on my tennis shoes. I then place my iPhone into my arm band and placed the Sennheiser ear buds in my ears. I walk out the front door and start jogging down the driveway and onto the street.

Back in Germany, I always had to do my morning run on a treadmill, but now that I have someone to watch Katie I can actually go outside and have some fresh air. It's amazing. The only downside is all of the perverted Japanese men gawking at me as they drive by.

I had forgotten how perverted the Japanese are.

I stop to buy a bottle of water from a vending machine, only to find out that this vending machine doesn't serve water. It serves woman's underwear. Used woman's underwear. I recoil in shock and almost bump into a guy that was standing behind me. He said excuse me, and then proceeded to offer me money for my panties.

He won't walk right for the rest of the day.

It takes me about twenty minutes to get back to the house. I walk in the door and head to the bathroom, I close the door and strip off my jogging clothes, I notice the stubble that is starting to grow on my legs, so I grab my razor. After the bath, I head to the kitchen to start breakfast. I open up the french door refrigerator and pull out the eggs, bacon and some sort of turkey sausage. I go to put on the apron that Misato has laying on the stove, but stop when I realized that this was his. I put the apron on the table and went to my room to grab my cell phone. I went through it looking for his number and paused when I found it.

I pushed send and hoped he hadn't changed his number.

***

Shinji was rudely awoken from his slumber by the sound of his ringing phone. He rolled out of bed, leaving the covers for his bed guest. He made it to his dresser and looked at his phone.

_352-555-4973...._

He stared at the phone for a moment, he generally didn't answer calls that he didn't recognize, most of the time it was reporters and such, but something about this call felt different to Shinji.

He ignored it anyways.

***

_You have reached the voice mail box for....._

I rolled my eyes and waited for the robotic woman to shut the hell up.

"…_.. after the beep. BEEP!"_

"S-Shinji, it's Asuka. We need to talk." I Shakily hung up the phone and sat down. I can't believe how hurt I feel just from leaving him a message. I lay on my side and allow myself a good ten minute cry before I head back into the kitchen and resume making breakfast. I tie his apron around me and suppress the tears that form from the memories this apron conjures up. I wipe a stray tear as Kaji enters.

"Never thought I would see the day where you were the one cooking breakfast for everyone else." Smirked Kaji from the door way.

I turned towards him and faked a smile. "I bet you never thought I would be a single mother either."

Kaji chuckled and nodded his head and walked over and gave me a hug.

"You two can fondle each other after breakfast is finished." Stated a half awake and obviously hungry Misato. I rolled my eyes and resumed cooking as Kaji went over to the fridge and grabbed him and Misato a beer. Misato gave her thanks and cracked her can open.

"So whats on your agenda today?" Asked Kaji.

I turned around and looked at Kaji to verify he was in fact talking to me. "I already tried calling Shinji, but he didn't answer, so I left a message. So I guess I will talk to Hikari." I poured the beaten eggs into the pan.

"Mornings aren't generally a good time to talk to Shinji, he is normally still with _company_, or too hungover to properly contribute to a conversation." Kaji states as he picks up the news paper and starts to read from it.

"I still blame you for him being a womanizer." Misato grumbles between sips.

"And you should blame yourself for his drinking." Misato's eye twitched. "And besides, I was always just a flirt, he takes it to man-whore levels."

"You guys can't blame each other for his faults, I was also subjected to you guys and I am not like that." I grab a couple of plates and start to distribute breakfast. Once that is done I take Katie and I's plate to the table before going into Katie's room to awaken her.

***

"_S-Shinji, it's Asuka. We need to talk."_ Those seven little words have my heart pounding in my throat. Asuka says we need to talk. Why does Asuka think we need to talk? Does she want to tell me why she left? Does she want to rub it in my face that she has a child? Does she want to remind me how much of a pathetic loser I am? Does she want to tell me how much she hates me? All these questions are screaming through my mind as I sit on the floor, rocking back and forth with my knees tucked to my chin. The most important question running through my head is what if she came to say she is sorry? What the hell would I do then? Would she honestly expect me to give up five years of pain and anguish because she apologized? Would she really expect me to forgive her just like that?

Wait. This is Asuka were talking about. I think it's safe to assume she isn't here to apologize. Damn.

"Shinji sweety are you ok?" A barely awake Celine asks while still under the covers.

"I'm straight, go back to sleep."

A fully nude Celine gently hops out of bed and sits on the floor next to me. She wraps a slender arm around my shoulder and one around my head. "You don't have to hide it from me Shinji." I stop rocking and just sit there and enjoy the warmth of her embrace. Her fingers run through my hair.

"Asuka called and left a message, she says she wants to talk." I could feel her tense up when I said her name. Can't say I blame her, she knows how much pain I have been through since she left.

"I think you should tell her what you think Shinji."

"She has a child, I think she was pregnant when she left, or actually that's why she left. Maybe she did cheat on me with Damon?" I had suspected but never accused her of cheating on me with him. Maybe I should have.

"Maybe it's yours and she was scared of being tied down?"

"If I was the father she would have gotten an abortion, not run away." I say with a stray tear running down my cheek.

That maybe a harsh statement, but she didn't love me. She just tolerated me. The great Asuka Langley Soryu would have never allowed herself to give birth to a child that would have the genes of such a worthless piece of shit as me. I'm not being hard on myself, she actually told me that once, right before she said it's bad enough that she demeans her body by allowing me to penetrate her. I am so fucking pathetic.

"Shinji..." Celine wipes the tear off my cheek.

***

"Hey Misato?"

"Yes Asuka?" She responds with a raised eyebrow and a curious look.

"Can I borrow your car to go see Hikari?" Misato visibly cringed.

"How about we see if Grandpa Kaji wants to watch Katie and I drive you?" The deal seams fair enough for me, hopefully Kaji doesn't mind.

Kaji nods his head in between bites; I give Katie a kiss on the cheek and walk to the garage with Misato. She hits the button for the door unlock and I opened the door and sat in her car. Misato backs out of the driveway and heads towards Hikari's

"So, your the new commander huh?" I ask as I stare at the scenery flying by.

"Yeah, a couple months before you left, the U.N. had decided that having Nerv as back up to the JSDF was a good idea. So they recommissioned Nerv and I was unanimously picked by a council from the U.N." I see the old ice cream parlor that Shinji took me to on our second date. I think I would like to stop back by there sometime.

"What does Nerv do these days?" There goes the library we got kicked out of for making out behind the bookshelves.

"Basically, Nerv as you know it doesn't exist. Mainly now our primary objective is research and development in the fields of lab created stem cells, reactive body armor, special weapons and of coarse maintenance on the Eva's." I cringe at the sound of the word Eva. How can they maintenance something that no longer exists? My unit was completely destroyed during the MP Eva attack, and Shinji's unit was lost in space. All the angels are dead, so there would be no reason to create a new Eva... Maybe I misunderstood her.

"What Eva's?" She now has my full attention.

"Unit 01 and Unit 02" Misato glances at me from the corner of her eyes.

"What!" I shout. "How is that possible!"

"Unit 02's brain was still functional despite having the lance pierce it, which isn't that surprising considering you didn't have any brain damage before you were tore apart." I nodded my head to indicate I was still with her. "It was of no use to us at the time, but Ritsuko had it hooked up to life support anyways. Then one day they made a break though with the stem cells, they were now able to create any kind of cell they wanted with zero mutation from the original source. So when things settled back down, I signed off on the project to rebuild your Eva."

"Is my mother..." my voice just barely above a whisper.

"We don't know, Shinji or anyone else we have tried have not been able to activate your unit."

I had hoped that the death of my Eva had freed my mothers soul to go on to heaven, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I hoped for an opportunity to feel close to her again.

"Unit 01 was retrieved from space last year. We built a special plug that acted not only as an anchor point, but we were also able to fit an appropriately sized parachute in the plug. The plug had on board computers that would deploy the parachutes at ten thousand feet." Misato flipped on her signal and turned left. "The Americans agreed to have a shuttle waiting in space to align the plug with the Evangelion after we sent the plug up in its own rocket. It landed somewhere in the deserts of Egypt and we went and retrieved it."

Just the idea of being within one hundred miles of that monster makes me shudder. I can't believe Nerv would even think about having one of the catalysts of Third Impact in their possession. Such arrogance. I stay silent for the rest of the trip, the thought of stepping foot back into the Evangelion scares the hell out of me. I am almost relieved when we pull into Hikari's driveway, well I assume its her driveway considering that is where Misato was taking me. I open the door and exit the vehicle, the look I give Misato tells her that I do not require her assistance further. My heart beats faster with every step closer to the door. I take a few deep breaths before ringing her doorbell.

Hikari opens the door and looks at me in shock, she quickly gets over it and anger takes over. "You have a lot of nerve coming here." .

"What, no hug for your _best friend_?" Hikari reaches back and slaps me.

"Do you have any idea how bad you hurt Shinji you insensitive bitch?!" I hold my freshly reddened cheek. "You broke his heart!"

"You both broke mine first." I spit out with venom. Hikari gives me a funny look as she crosses her arms. "What are you talking about?"

"The day I left, I had caught you two having sex in my bed!" I had started out calm, but by the time I finished that sentence my fists were clenched and I was screaming. Hikari just looks at me in shock.

"W-What?!" She stumbles out, clearly she was caught off guard.

"Didn't think I fucking knew, did you, you stupid bitch!" I am still screaming, but now I have tears streaming down my face.

"Screw you Asuka!" Hikari shouts in rage. "You treated him like a piece of worthless trash! All he ever did was love you and you spat in his face! Do you have any idea how bad that hurt him?!" Yea I do, and I have been beating myself up for it long enough.

"I messed up, I know that, but I never cheated on him!" I take a couple deep breaths to calm myself. I am no longer screaming, but my whole body is trembling. "So don't stand there and try to tell me that I hurt him more then he hurt me."

Hikari threw her arms in the air. "What about Damon? You talked to him at the party, in front of Shinji and I, about how Shinji isn't this and you wished he was more like that." Hikari curls both of her hands into fists. "You broke his heart that night, the person he loved more then life itself was putting him down to someone he always felt inferior to!" I look at her in shock.

"I-I don't remember that night." I say in my defense.

"You don't remember hanging all over Damon?" I shake my head no. "You don't remember Shinji handing you his keys, before him, Toji and I left?" Wait, they left me at a party, unsupervised and drunk, with Damon?

"Nothing happened, I remember waking up at home the afternoon after that night!" I shout.

"You only woke up at home because Damon brought your drunk ass home later that night!" I stare in shock at what she is suggesting. To be honest I am a little scared to find out the answer to the question I'm about to ask, but I need to know.

I lower my head and stare at the floor. "D-Did I, I mean did me and Damon.."

"No, I had gotten a full report on what had happened that night after we left from a couple friends that were there. They said you two were a little too touchy feely, but never actually did anything."

"I feel sick." I hold my stomach and sit on the nearest chair. I had actually believed Misato when she said it wasn't my fault, but she was the one that's wrong. "I didn't deserve him, I know, but I didn't deserve to get cheated on by my fiance and best friend!" God I feel horrible.

"I made Shinji happy, I made him feel loved. he deserved to feel loved, he didn't deserve to be treated like he was garbage!" Hikari was yelling. "I made him happier then you ever could!"

"You can't even please your own husband!" I stand up and shout back at her.

"I never let my husband do half the things to me that I let Shinji do, things he said you wouldn't do." Hikari said with a smirk on her face.

I only intended on smacking her once, I just wanted to wipe that disgusting smirk off of her face. But I once I started I just couldn't get myself to stop. I then punched her in the face, followed with a punch to the stomach.

"Uhg!" I don't really know if that can be classified as a word, but it's the only thing Hikari said as she fell to the floor. Something similar came out of her mouth when I kicked her in the stomach. I think it means something along the lines of 'thank you may I have another'. Why yes Hikari, I'll gladly give you another, and another, and another.

"You were my Best friend!" I shout in rage as she curls up into the fetal position clutching her stomach. I go to kick her again, but suddenly a hand wraps around my arm and drags me away. I think about protesting, but the look Toji has in his eyes tells me I shouldn't. He drags me by the arm to a room off to the left and slams the door. I rub my arm after he releases me.

"What the fuck is going on!" He pushed me against the wall and shouted in my face. I for one reason or another can't make eye contact with him so I stare at the floor. This doesn't seem to please him as he grabs my chin and jerks my head up, I grab his hand and remove it from my chin.

"Don't touch me." I growl.

"Look devil bitch, I hate you for what you did to my boy Shinji enough as it is, then I find you kicking the shit out of my wife..." Toji closes his eyes and attempts to keep his anger in check. "You better have a good explanation, or I'm going to fucking _bury_ you."

"Your _boy_ Shinji is a cheating bastard, and so is your slut of a wife." Did you know that it is impossible to smirk when someone is choking you? Neither did I until now. But I also quickly learned that it is damn near impossible to choke someone after they knee you in the crotch. Oh sure, you have that five or ten seconds of an adrenalin rush were you squeeze tighter, but as soon as that goes away your just a crumpled mess on the floor. After he releases me I fall to the floor and gasp for air.

"I said don't fucking touch me!" I cough out as I rub my neck. After a few moments I stand up and kick him in his junk one more time for good measure. "Now I understand that you are an asshole and you can't help it, but your wife and my ex-fiance were having an affair." I pull back the few strands of hair that were in my face. "That's why I left five years ago."

"Y-Your lying." Toji speaks while clutching his manhood.

"Let's ask the succubus in the other room if I'm lying." If I had actually cared for the stupid jock in the least, I would have been a lot more gentle and understanding of his emotions, but I just really don't like him. Yet, I can't help but feel guilty. And sorry. And sad.

"Look, I know it's a lot to take in at one time, but I caught them in _my_ house having sex on _my_ bed." I go to walk out of the room when he places his hand on my calf.

"Hikari isn't that kind of girl." Toji forces out with one hand still clutching his manhood. I have to admire the trust he has in her, maybe if Shinji trusted me more he wouldn't have had to seek refuge in Hikari. No, no, he wouldn't have had sought comfort from her if I wasn't such a bitch.

"Toji, I'm not making this up, she and Shinji really did have an affair... Hikari cheated on you and Shinji cheated on me." I know it's blunt, but if I thought he could comprehend a more subtle approach then I would have used one, but it's Toji for Christ sake. The guy that had to go to the hospital after eating twelve ounces of wasabi to win a bet.

"They wouldn't do that to me, you lying bitch!" The dumb jock shouts in anger as he attempts to stand. I cross my arms across my chest and shake my head. The loser actually thinks I would lie to him about why I left? What would be the purpose? I couldn't give a damn about what Toji thinks of me!

"Listen you stupid sonuvabitch," I walk up to him and jab a finger into his chest. "I have no reason to lie to you. Your wife is a cheating bitch Toji, and your best friend is playing you for the fool!" I still surprise myself with my stupidity at times, not even ten minutes ago he was attempting to choke the life out of me, and I here I am poking a finger into his chest and egging him on. For a genius, I can be incredible stupid... To my utter surprise, Toji drops to his knees and my breath catches in my throat as he throws his arms around my waist, buries his face in my stomach and starts to sob. I stare at the top of his head in shock as my brain goes into overtime trying to figure out what the fuck is exactly going on. Failing to come up with a solution to this situation I just sigh in defeat and place my hand on his shoulder in a reassuring way. "God I hope no one sees me being human... no, kind even, to you..." I place my other hand on the back of his head. "They may think that the world is coming to an end... hell... maybe it is."

"Toji?" Hikari asks from the doorway. Great, now there is a witness. As if I didn't have enough reason to hate her as it is.

"Are you finally happy now you fucking bitch? You helped ruin Shinji and me, and now your idiot husband is soaking through my shirt!" Once again a little harsh I'll admit, but then again I never screwed her fiance.

Hikari balls up her fists, stomps her foot and yells. "Damn it Asuka, you are in my house! You will not talk to me like that in my own house!"

"Oh, but it's ok for you to fuck my fiance in my house?!" Little miss home wrecker is going to get her little ass whooped again if she keeps this up... However I feel a hint of guilt for saying that after I feel Toji tighten his grip on me. Please tell me that I didn't not seriously feel sympathy for this idiot... Damn it.

"She is lying Toji! Shinji and I are just friends!" Now look, I know everyone makes mistakes, and mistakes are all right, as long as you own up to them. I also know that a true showing of character is not how many mistakes you make, but how you handle them. You can't respect a person that is unwilling to accept fault for their actions, regardless of seriousness or consequences.

"Hikari, just tell your husband the truth. If you can't respect yourself enough, then at least have enough respect for him." And since little miss 'wants to pretend she's perfect' is not in fact going to own up to those mistakes. Then I am going to force her hand. "Look, I know this isn't a good time Toji," I give his shoulder a squeeze. "But Misato says Hikari got pregnant shortly after I left?" Toji pulled his face away from my stomach and looked into my eyes. At first, they were just full of confusion, but after he realized what I was hinting at they were full of heartbreak, it actually brought a tear to mine. After a moment he stood up, which brought my face uncomfortably close to his chest before he backed up and turned around.

"Toji, listen to me! She is lying!" Hikari pleaded, but I knew Toji wasn't buying it. He slowly walked up to Hikari and cupped her face in his hands. "Is Ryo mine?" Hikari was no longer able to keep her composure as tears streamed down her face. She put her hands over Toji's and looked him in the eyes.

"I-I think so." Hikari fell into Toji's arms and started sobbing, Toji just held her with an empty expression on his face. I could see the war waging inside of him as he tried to figure out how to handle the situation. I know of his past indiscretions, and I doubt he is faithful now, so does he become a hypocrite and condemn her for her indiscretions? Does he just try to ignore the deeper problem with their relationship and go on like nothing happened? Does he run away like a scared child like I did? Or does he do what I should have done and try to get professional help to fix the underlying problem of why they're cheating in the first place?

"Hey, Toji?" He raises his head slightly. "Don't hurt Shinji too much, my daughter is really looking forward to meeting her father." The shocked look on both of their faces speak volumes. Hikari 's mouth is wide open and she is staring at me questioningly.

"The day I left was not only the day I caught you two, but it was also they day I learned I was pregnant. In fact, had I not been pregnant, I wouldn't have rushed home to tell Shinji and I wouldn't have caught you two. Kind of ironic when you think about it."

"Shinji's the father?" Toji asks. "Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure! I am getting sick and tired of people insinuating that I am a whore! Shinji is the only guy I have been with!" I yell out of frustration. Why does everyone assume that I would have to have been a whore to be a mother? Out of everyone in this room I am the least whore like!

"I think it would be best if I didn't have any contact with that asshole for the next couple of days." He turned back to Hikari. "I don't want to be around you either." Hikari's lips start to tremble, but before she can say anything Toji spoke again. "I'm going to stay at a hotel for the next couple of days. After we have a test done to see who the father is we will talk about if we can work this out or not." Toji removed his hands from his wife and walked out of the room.

"Happy now Asuka?" Hikari resumes crying and walks out of the room in pursuit of Toji. Meanwhile I'm the asshole standing alone in the room. How did I turn out to be the bad guy here? If you want to get technical, besides the emotional abuse to Shinji, I am the only one innocent in this fucked up love square. How is that fair?

***

Two toned and tan legs lazily spread apart as she lays on her back. The inner folds barely peak through the slit of her tight, freshly shaved mound. She has this incredibly cute beauty mark two inches to the right of her womanhood. I never Imagined a mole could look so sexy in my life. I take my hands and rub them down her stomach and place them on her hips as I lay kisses on the inside of her thighs. She let's out a soft giggle as I move my mouth to just above her mound. I look up and give her a smile before I resume my course to her womanhood. After a few minutes, her thighs gently close around my head and her hands grasp my hair. Her legs squeeze my head with every moan she lets out, I reach a hand up and start massaging her right breast...

I hurriedly grab some toilet paper and ejaculate into it. I often use that memory to masturbate to when I can't get her off my mind. It's kind of pathetic that I would choose to masturbate to a memory then have sex with the half naked woman that is currently cooking me breakfast, but I just can't stop thinking about her. I throw the cum covered tissue into the toilet and give it a flush. I proceed to the sink where I wash my hands and then brush my teeth. I stiffen as my cellphone alerts me to a text. I spit out the tooth paste and head back to the bedroom to check my phone. I pick it up and look at the screen to see a text from Kensuke.

_'Toji is saying some shit about you and Hikari having an affair? Is it true?'_

"Shit."


	4. No Leaf Clover

A/N: Sorry for the long delay, apparently this shit won't write itself! I'm not totally satisfied with this chapter, but it's about as good as it's going to get for now. I would like to thank everyone that has reviewed, it definitely helps keep me motivated.

I don't own Evangelion, if I did, an English Blu-Ray version of 2.22 would have been released at the same time (which is tomorrow) as the fucking Japanese version. Granted I could order the Hong Kong version, it at least has English subtitles, but I don't want to read while trying to watch. It's annoying.

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Chapter 4 – No Leaf Clover

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like had I not refused instrumentality and chose to live in one of the false realities. I am especially fond of the one where Asuka and I had grown up as best friends, where the biggest issue I had to worry about was keeping all of the other guys in the school away from her. A place where Ayanami wasn't a clone of my mother, where Toji didn't have an arm and a leg amputated, and I never had to hear _her_ screams. It was a place where I didn't wake up every night drenched in sweat screaming her name.

Every night I watch myself sitting on the catwalk, knees pulled to my chest, as I sit there, doing nothing while she is being gutted alive. Asuka was finally asking for my help and I just sat there, lost in my own little problems while she was being snacked on. Everyone thinks I let instrumentally start because I was no longer lucid, the doctors claiming that I had a severe mental breakdown. But that's not true. I let everyone die because I sought death. If I was dead I couldn't be blamed for not saving Asuka, I couldn't wallow in self pity that I was unable to save the only other person on this planet that was just like me. Someone who hurt like me.

But they wouldn't give me death. They said that wasn't an option.

That seemed silly to me. Death is always an option, regardless of the situation. Even when you decide to do nothing, inaction giving birth to action. It's almost poetic.

My inaction caused Asuka's, Misato's and, oh, about two other billion people their lives. Inaction giving birth to mass genocide. Oops. My fault.

I stumble to the fridge. I look at the clock and confirm that it's beer-thirty in the morning before popping the top and draining the first can. Celine wants me to cut back on my drinking. I think she needs to cut back on the talking.

I toss the can and head to the shower to cleanse my body. I had decided to spend the rest of the morning alone because I didn't want Celine getting involved in case Toji came to confront me. I'm not going to say that he doesn't have a right to be mad, well, actually yeah I am, at least at her. Actually, now that I think about it that is probably why Asuka wants to talk. Asuka probably visited Hikari and Hikari probably felt guilty and told Asuka about our affair before telling Toji. Well now that I figured that out there is no reason for me to call her. Right... moving on.

I throw on some clothes and head to the attached garage. I run my hand along the length of the fender on my pearl white - on black twenty-one inch rims - Bentley Continental GT. I open the door and hop in. The twin turbo W-12 lets out a muffled roar with the push of a button, the tachometer jumps to 3700 rpm with a blip of the throttle before retuning to idle. I put my foot on the brake and select reverse. I push the button for the garage opener and go to back up… that is until I see the car that is pulling up in my driveway.

"Shit."

Misato pulls up right behind me while shaking her head. She puts her car in park and steps out of it. I shut off the car and follow suite and met her just outside my garage. I honestly expected her to slap me, and she did. Twice. I hold my cheek and smirk.

"Good morning to you too." My jaw pops as I speak.

"I promised Asuka I would smack you as soon as I saw you " Misato crosses her arms under her breasts.

"Well, that answers my first question. Now for my second, who's the father?" I cringe as she glares at me.

"You will have to find that out from Asuka," She puts her hands on her hips. "I'm here to ask what the hell you were you thinking?"

I half expected as much, she was never the type to tell other peoples secrets, but I wouldn't go as far as to say that I'm not disappointed that she wouldn't trust me enough to tell me this. After all, I am not the one that abandoned her supposed 'family' for five years.

"I was thinking that it would be nice to feel loved again." I dare her to try and stay mad at me. I mean really, how can you fault someone for their actions when said actions are used for the pursuit of love?

"You really don't get it, do you?" Misato shakes her head, grabs the keys out of my hand and proceeds to unlock the door to _my_ house. She heads into the kitchen and grabs a six pack out of the fridge, places it on the table and motions with her hand for me to sit. I dislodge a can and sit across from her. She opens a can and takes a swig.

"Asuka wasn't a bitch to you because she didn't love you." My left eye twitched.

"Asuka was a bitch because... well, she _is_ a bitch. She flirted with Damon because she didn't love me." I take a swig but refuse to break eye contact.

Misato puts her beer on the table and narrows her eyes. "Your wrong Shinji."

I'm wrong? So, Misato wants to pretend that since her little fake daughter has returned that she knows her better then me? You go ahead and let the redheaded bitch pull your puppet strings Misato, you go right ahead and alienate the person that actually treated you like their mother because she came crawling back. You go ahead and take her side over mine.

"Humor me, oh wise Misato, why was she a bitch to me then?" I say with as much sarcasm as possible.

Misato smirked. "She didn't feel loved by you."

It started as a small chuckle, quickly building into a fit of laughter. I soon find myself holding my gut with one hand and wiping tears away with the other. Misato has her arms crossed over her chest and she is tapping her foot. Apparently she was serious.

"Yes, because I _wasn't_ the one that was constantly telling her how beautiful she was, or buying her flowers, or just going out of my fucking way to show her how important she was to me!" I was shouting by the end of it.

Misato just continued to stare at me. "I didn't say her thinking was rational Shinji, and frankly, if you even paid the smallest of attention to her, you would know that Asuka and rational don't belong in the same sentence."

I palm my face and shake my head. "No, you're right." I take a deep breath before releasing my head and grabbing another beer. "But if she felt unloved, all she had to do was tell me, she didn't have to run away."

Misato palms her face and mumbles something along the lines of 'moron'. "She didn't leave because she felt unloved, she left because she caught you and Hikari having and affair!" a fine mist of beer is sprayed across the kitchen table. "What!" I shout as she wipes the beer out of her eyes. I mumble an apology and reach behind me to grab her a rag.

"I said she left you cause you were cheating on her you twit, and to think, I felt sorry for you, and this whole time you've been lying to me!" Misato waves her hands in the air.

"What are you talking about?" I shout in confusion and annoyance.

Misato slams her palms on the table as she stands. "You said you didn't know why she left!"

"I didn't know she knew!"

"Shinji, you're not stupid, how could you not put two and two together?" Shouts Misato.

"I just put two and two together and decided your pissing me off!" I yelled back.

Misato lets out a sigh before clenching her jaw shut. She sits back down at the table and continues to drink from her beer. Me, feeling like the ass that I am, mumble an apology and swish my beer around. "Look, Asuka and I had our fair share of problems, and I recognize that most of them were my problems, but I honestly thought she left because she just couldn't stand to be around me anymore." I swirl the can before taking a drink. So much for the theory that she left cause she was carrying another mans baby. Except for the guilt, I feel a little better knowing she wasn't cheating.

"So, now that you know it was your actions that caused her to leave, are you going to talk to her?"

"No."

Misato stares at me in silence for a few moments. "Why not?"

"I'll admit I'm the asshole in this scenario, but she didn't have to run away, and she sure as hell didn't have to go get knocked up by some guy."

"Shinji, trust me and stop running away. You have to talk to Asuka." My eye twitches at her inability to understand that I am not going to subject myself to her torment. I mean why should I? What could I possible gain by making these wounds deeper? Why would I want her to flaunt it in my face that she found someone that isn't a complete fucking loser to have a kid with? Why would I want to be reminded of my mistakes, my missed opportunities, my almost life.

"Please move your car, I need to head into work." I say coldly.

Misato shakes her head and walks out without saying another word.

My stomach hurts. So does my left eye. And my right arm. The memories that have came flooding in have me on the verge of pissing myself. I've been standing here, crying into Kaji's chest for the last five minutes or so. The second I made eye contact with that beast long forgotten memories have been brought to the fore front of my thoughts. I hadn't forgotten the slaughter, it's something that I could never forget, no matter how badly I want to. How could someone forget the pain of having your eye ball gouged out or your arm split in half? No one could ever forget that shit. Not even wonder girl could forget that.

I hadn't forgotten what it was like to be mind raped either. Hell, I literally freak out when ever someone shines a flash light in my direction. I also hadn't forgotten what it was like to feel useless, just being a parent sometimes makes me feel useless. Especially when Katie was an infant. I didn't know the first thing about being a parent, My mom was dead and my dad abandoned me, so I didn't have a parental figure to turn to for advise. I think I cried more then Katie did for the first two weeks, until I figured out what her crying meant. Obviously I knew when she was hungry, but she would also cry when she wanted to be held, when she didn't want to be held or if she was too hot or cold... etc. etc.

What I had forgotten, is what it felt like to die alone, waiting for that idiot to come save me. But he didn't. He just sat there, feeling sorry for himself, listening to my screams as he held himself. I know he couldn't save me, he was far to gone to be of any real use in an Eva, let alone against those bastards, but at least I wouldn't have died alone. I don't know, I guess I shouldn't complain too much, it did work out in the end.

I have roughly half of Nerv standing around watching me cry like a little girl, in front of my little girl. The ones that were around when we were under attack understand why. Hell, I would be willing to bet that some of them are crying too. Well, maybe just Maya, She was always on the verge of crying whenever I was around. I wipe the tears from my eyes and pull the hair from my face; Kaji puts a hand under my chin and raises my head so that we make eye contact. He uses his other hand to pull out a handkerchief and dries my cheeks. I sniffle before saying thanks.

I take Katie's hand as Kaji guides us away from Unit: 02, and towards the cage that's holding Unit: 01.

"_... local police are reporting that there is a multiple car accident on the north bound..."_

I turn off the radio and grip the wheel a little tighter as I sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

"Shit."

I have been told that Shinji connects with his mother every time he gets in the plug. I'm not sure if that warrants relief, of if I should be even more concerned that the eyes on this monster have lit. Is it happy to see me or does she only know Shinji's side of the story. God I hope his mother isn't anything like his father.

After a few moment without being crushed to death, I wave Katie over.

"Miss. Ikari, Meet your granddaughter, Katie Marie Soryu."

"Fuck you too!" I shout at the little grade school kid giving me the finger from the back of his school bus. "Hop in my Eva and stomp on your god damn house you little bastard." I mumble to myself as my late morning/early afternoon gets worse. I turn the radio back on for a distraction.

"_On a lighter note, former Evangelion pilot Asuka Langley Soryu, is apparently back in Tok..."_

"Son of a bitch..."

"... I couldn't believe it myself! I mean who would have thought he was capable of such a thing!" I have been ratting Shinji out for the last twenty minutes, and I have to say I feel one hundred times better. I hope to hell she goes off on him the next time he syncs. If he wont come around me so I can kick his ass, then I'll have his mom do it...

Why me? Why today? The last few days, work has been my only refuge from the drama that is my life. My place of employment was the one place where I could spend an entire day without having to worry about any of this shit. And as soon as I walk in, I'm told _she_ is here. Maybe I can just hurry up and get into my plug suit and into the Eva before I run into her...

"In a way, I know it's my fault he cheated, and I take responsibility for that, but my best friend?" I close my eyes and shake my head. "I mean, why not some drunk chick from a bar, or one of the many college girls that were constantly hitting on him?" I open my eyes and make eye contact with the robot. "She was the closest friend I ever had, and he was the only person I ever truly opened up to, did they both hate me that much? Did Shinji have an affair with Hikari because he knew how much it would hurt me?" I bite my lip to keep myself from crying again. I have already embarrassed myself enough today. Katie keeps tugging on my skirt to ask when we can leave, and I suppose it is her lunchtime.

I grab Katie's hand and give one last look to his Eva before I turn to walk... and see him standing at the end of the catwalk. Anger plastered on his face.

"What do you think your doing?" Shinji yells. I just stare at him in disbelief. He's standing in his plug suit and he looks... good. I should probably close my mouth now...

No. I'm not actually seeing this. That hot little... I mean that beauti... Shit, that bitch is talking to my Unit. Why is she talking to my unit? When did she start wearing high heels? Damn it, focus, Shinji.

"What do you think your doing?" Is not what I was planning on saying, but what the hell, it works. Wait, is she staring? Nah must be my imagin... Oh my God! I can see cleavage from here! Shit! Fucking concentrate Ikari!

"None of your damn business!" Shouts the person I'm currently undressing with my eyes. Wait. Did she just say it's not my business?

Oh my God he is staring at me! The nerve of that asshole... Is his chest that well defined or have they started putting armor in the plug suits? Damn it! Focus Asuka!

"I am the Vice Commander of Nerv, you just being here is my business!" Shinji closes the distance between us and snatches me by my arm. "Answer my damn question!" He shouts in my face. I, being the well adjusted and rational person that I am, stayed relatively calm. I let go of Katie's hand and grabbed his wrist to twist it off my arm, well, that was my intent, Shinji however just smirked at me, tightened his grip on my arm, and brought me to my knees.

"I-I was introducing K-Katie to her g-grandmother!" I said through clenched teeth.

"Fine," Anger quickly fades from his face. "but then why are you talking to my Unit instead of yours?" Shinji released my arm. I stand myself up and adjust the bottom of my skirt.

"God you're such an idiot! I was introducing her to her _other_ Grandmother!" Shinji cocks his head and stares at me. I palm my face. "Do I have to spell it out? Your mother is her grandmother, which, in turn, makes you what?" I cross my arms over my chest and glare at him. His jaw is open and he just keeps blinking.

"Katie honey, meet your father." I smile sweetly then proceed to punch Shinji in the face as hard as I could.

It felt amazing.

Don't you understand that I hate you? I mean really hate you. I hate you like you hate me, except worse. You have been going out of your way to make me miserable my entire life. From the moment after my mothers death and my dad's abandonment to killing the world to breaking _her_ heart. I wish I would have been able to see through your facade, I wish I would have known the real you, the you that only I have come to know. Had I known I could have avoided this pain, this anguish. I could have never allowed you control of my life. But I didn't know. Just like I didn't know I was a father. Because of you, I didn't even know I had a daughter. Because of you, I accused Asuka of being a whore. Because of you, I have spent the last five fucking years feeling sorry for myself instead of living my life with her. Because of you, I just want to die.

I stop staring at myself in the mirror to splash more water on my face. I have spent the last hour puking my guts up and trashing the men's bathroom at Nerv. After Asuka hit me, I picked myself off the floor and I was attacked by a bubbly four-and-a-half year old, shit, almost five... Anyways, she was excited to see me. I'm the worthless piece of shit that didn't even know she existed, and she is excited to see me. That's when I had to excuse myself to the men's room… I couldn't take the wave of emotions that came crashing down on my pathetic head; excitement, joy, love and also self-loathing, resentment, guilt.

The puking is from the guilt. The bloody knuckles (and possible fractured hand) are from the rage. Rage because I am my own worst enemy. I have hurt myself way more then that bastard of a father ever did. Rage because my actions have made me miss out on five years of my child's life. The entire time I had the thing I wanted most in life, and I didn't even know it. My fiancée was pregnant with my child, and I wasn't there. The life I literally fantasized about while lying in bed at night was in my grasp, but unobtainable because of my infidelity.

Once again rage overcomes me as the mirror shatters with my fist. I then rip the sink out of the wall and smash it upon the ground. Unsatisfied, I stumble towards the lockers and start wailing on them. The pain is intense, each punch feels like a dagger being driven through my hand, but I continue, until the rage is replaced with disgust, my limp body falling to the floor as I start sobbing.

I don't know how I expected him to react to Katie. There was the part of me that wondered if he would deny it, claim that I am a lying bitch trying to pawn some assholes fatherly duties on to him, or maybe he would look me in the eye and say he didn't care. I know this is going to sound selfish, but I'm glad he reacted the way he did, because now I know that he does care... At least for Katie...

Currently, Katie and I are waiting outside the infirmary, she just had to make sure her daddy was ok. I can't even begin to tell you how rough he looks now, but it's not like he isn't as well groomed as he used to be, he just... I don't know, I guess he kinda looks like a dog that has been kicked one to many times, you can see it in his eyes. It's almost makes me feel sorry for him, almost.

Shinji walks out of the doctor's office with his right hand bandaged up and a sad look on his face. As soon as Katie sees him she drops her crayons and runs towards him before encompassing his legs with her little arms. Shinji kneels down and returns the hug, tears well up in my eyes as his run down his cheek. I'm only tearing up because of my damn allergies... yeah that's it, allergies. After a few moments Katie and Shinji break and Katie grabs his hand and leads him to the seat next to me. She tells him to sit.

"Now it's time for you two to hug!" Katie claps her hands together and giggles. My mouth drops and I start shaking my head.

"Uh Katie sweetie, that's not _going_ to happen." I can't help but blush at the thought.

"Yeah, what happened between me and your mom is something that can't be fixed with a hug, it's complicated." Shinji scratches the back of his head.

"Why daddy?" Shinji fights to not cry.

"Well sweetie, we both have been hurt, your mom especially so, but there is no easy way to fix it, trust me I wish there was, but there isn't." Katie looks down and nods her head. "Then maybe you should kiss! Whenever I'm hurt my momma kisses me and it makes me all better!" Katie exclaims.

I cup my face and shake my head. "Katie, if I kissed your mom right now, she would beat me to death, and seeing as I have just gotten you in my life, I would kind of like to stay alive." Shinji rubs the top of her head. Katie looks at me questioningly, I nod my head. "I would have to hurt your daddy, baby."

"You guys are weird." Katie crosses her arms over her chest.

Katie plops back down and resumes coloring. I look at Shinji, he looks at me. He goes to open his mouth and I quickly put my hand up. "Not here, we will talk later." He nods his head. "But I do want to talk to you about the ground rules I have for when she visits." He nods his head understanding.

"I want you to be in Katie's life, but understand that doesn't include being in my life. You're also going to have to prove to me that you can be the father that she deserves." He nods his head in acknowledgment. "So I am going to lay out some ground rules."

"Rule number one, Katie will not be around you when you have been drinking more then a beer or two, and I mean a beer or two." He nods his head. "Rule two, Katie is not to be around any of your 'Lady friends' unless you have been committed to one girl, and I mean one girl only, for at least three months."

"Does that same rule apply to you?" I let out a sigh.

"Yes Shinji." He nods his head.

"That sounds fair."

"Rule three, your house needs to be clean when Katie comes over."

"Of course."

"Rule four, I don't expect you to forgive me for leaving, nor do I expect your friends to have anything but hate for me, but when my daughter is around, nothing bad will be said about me. And no, I never talked bad about you in front of her."

"My friends will keep any comments they have to themselves." Shinji looks at his feet for a brief moment. Then looks up at Asuka. "I really appreciate that you never talked down about me to Katie… Thank you. It means a lot to me."

"It wasn't for you Shinji. I did it for Katie. I want her to grow up having a father she can look up to. Not like ours. She deserves better."

Shinji nods his head. " I completely agree."

"Ok, so if you abide by these rules then I don't have any problems having you play an active role in her life. I know there are going to be mistakes made, and I am not asking for instant perfection. This is new to you, and hell, I am still in awe of all the things I learn everyday with Katie. But she is the most important and precious thing in the world to me. So don't take this lightly. Ok?"

"Ok."

"Any questions?" Asuka clasps her hands together.

"What about us?"

I look at him funny. "What do you mean?"

"Are we going to try and be friends, or are we nothing more then Katie's parents?"

"Shinji, I-I-I..." I clear my throat. "I don't know."

Shinji closes his eyes and nods. I can tell he was hoping for a different answer, but I can't take that chance of him hurting me like that again.

"What if I prove to you that I am no longer that person? What if I prove to be a good dad?" I can almost hear the desperation in his voice.

"This isn't something I am willing to discuss right now so lets not. What I do want to discuss is what your current relationship with Hikari is and why you haven't done a paternity test yet?"

Shinji let's out a sigh and scratches his arm. "We are still friends, but I'm not going to lie to you, we still have sex every once in awhile. And about the test, I don't know how to get one done without Toji knowing, although, I guess that isn't a problem anymore."

"Your such an asshole... Why are you still sleeping with her? She is your best friends wife!" I can't believe he would be this stupid. Does he not think of the consequences his actions have?

"It's her way of getting back at him. He hasn't ever really stopped cheating on her."

"And you think that makes it ok?" I look at him with disappointment.

"I guess." Shinji shrugs his shoulders and looks at the floor.

I glare at him "God your such an asshat."

"There you guys are." Kaji walks into the waiting room with a smirk on his face. "Shinji, Misato wants me to invite you over for dinner tonight," They both look towards me. "If Asuka doesn't mind of course?"

I suppress a small smile, but outwardly roll my eyes. "It's your house, invite who you want." A thought crosses my mind, I turn to Shinji and ask. "By the way, do you still have my Porsche?" 

He smirks and nods his head. "Yea, it's sitting in my secondary garage."

"Secondary Garage?" I put my hands on my hips. "You have two garages?"

"Yea, I kinda ran out of space." He shrugs his shoulders. "Anyways, if you want I will drive you to my house to get your truck?"

"Sure," I jab a finger into his chest. "but you better not drive like Misato with your daughter in the car."


	5. Far From Over

A/N: First off, I would like to thank all of the people that have been reviewing this story, you bothering to take the time to tell me how much you like/hate it, and giving your opinion on what you would like to see really means a lot to me. Secondly, I would like to apologize for the short chapter, but at least you don't have to wait 5 weeks for it. Please enjoy.

I don't own Evangelion. Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are...

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs

Plush cream colored leather envelope my silky smooth thighs as I sit in the Bentley. Light teak wood trim glistens in the sunlight as Shinji closes the door for me before taking a seat on his side of the car. He taps a button on the dash, causing the vehicle to come to life. He selects a gear and exits the parking lot. I had decided to ask Kaji to take Katie to his house after I seen the car Shinji drove, it also meant that me and Shinji would have a chance to talk. My baby girl has witnessed enough violence today... I look at Shinji. He looks at me. I punch him in the ribs.

"Asshole." I adjust my black skirt and he just continues to stare at me.

"You look beautiful Asuka." I close my eyes and absorb the compliment, and then punch him on the shoulder.

"Don't 'beautiful' me asshole, you have some serious shit to make up for before you are allowed to compliment me." I cross my legs and my arms.

"Are you going to allow me to talk now?" Another quick jab to the ribs.

"Why do you think I allowed you to drive me?" I glare at him.

His left eye twitches. "This whole 'you hitting me' thing needs to stop, I stopped being your God damn punching bag back then, and I'm not about to be one now." Another jab, this one to his face.

My seat belt tightens and I place a hand against the leather clad dashboard as four, twenty-one inch Pirelli P Zero Rossos come to a screeching stop. His jaw is clenched as he turns his head towards me, dark blue eyes starring daggers at me. "I understand your angry, but I am not the only one that has dirt on their hands, you helped dig this hole, so quit fucking hitting me." He checks his mirrors before taking off like a bat-outta-hell.

"I never cheated on you." I say bitterly while looking out the side window.

"But you weren't there for me either." his hand clenches the steering wheel.

I turn my attention back to him. "I know I was a bitch to you, and I do regret that, but Hikari? She was my best friend!" Deep breath, In-and-out. "Why her?"

He scratches the back of his head. "Look, I don't know how to say this without being a prick, but I thought she was everything you weren't. She was caring and considerate and never once insulted me, she never questioned my manhood or bitched about having to comfort me when I was down. She showed me the love that I had been searching for in you." He lets out a sigh. "She showed me what it was like to be loved for who I am, she never once tried molding me into an image of a person she wanted to be with." He looks at me with a sad expression on his face.

Awkward silence fills the car as I consider what he said and how I should respond. After a few moments, I speak. "I never felt good enough for you, someone else always had your attention, and you would help them with their problems, but that meant I had to deal with mine alone." I close my eyes to compose myself before continuing. "And I'm sorry if I didn't _baby_ you when ever you had nightmares about _my _death, I was a little busy trying to forget what it felt like to be ripped apart. But no, you always had to tell me about your dreams, to go into detail about how _my_ screams of pain affected _you_." A single tear runs down my cheek. "No offense, but I couldn't give a fuck how it effected you!" Deep breath, in-and-out. "Did you even bother to think how it effected me? Did it even cross your little bread crumb of a brain that having my own nightmares about it was bad enough without having to be a witness to yours?" Shinji looks at me funny. "Just because you wake up screaming from your nightmares doesn't mean I do." I suppress my tears and turn my attention back to the world around me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." He says weakly.

"Of coarse you didn't, that would have meant that you would have had to look past your own problems enough to see mine. God for bid the famous Third Child devote even a fraction of his consciousness to little old useless Asuka." Hand covers my face as I lose control of a sob, only a few tears escape before I tighten my emotional clamp.

Shinji has a somber look on his face, apparently my words have struck a chord. "You talk of being accepted for who you are, but when did you ever accept me for who I am? Instead, you decided that my best friend had what I didn't, her grass was greener, so to speak." I turn back to him. "So how dare you accuse me of not accepting you when you weren't accepting me?"

"Every time I tried to be there for you, I got hit. Every time I tried to cuddle you when you were crying, I got hit. Every God damn time I tried to talk to you, I got hit." Shinji shakes his head. "Me not being there for you emotionally is no ones fault but your own. So don't fucking tell me I wasn't there for you, because at least I tried. Which is more then I can say for you."

I bite my bottom lip and close my eyes. "I will admit you tried, but at the first resemblance of resistance on my part sent you running scared. Instead of backing off you should have held tighter. Instead of apologizing, you should have showed me that no matter how tough things were, you would always stick by me." I open my eyes and turn my head towards him. "You never followed through, so how was I supposed to now it was genuine concern and not just pity?"

Shinji divides his attention between me and the road. "But that's exactly my point Asuka, after everything I had done for you, I shouldn't have had to keep proving myself to you. I shouldn't have to keep falling on a sword just to be able to comfort you, for you to share your emotions with me!"

I resume glaring at him. "And what exactly had you done for me that was strictly for my benefit? Hmm?"

Shinji's left eye twitches. "I allowed the destruction of the entire human race for you, I turned down Godhood for you, I refused a perfect world for you. I got my ass kicked protecting you."

"And you benefited from all of them, well except maybe getting your ass kicked, because you wanted a second chance to be with me!"

"Asuka, when I made all of those choices, I _knew _you hated me. There was no doubt in my mind that even just the sight of me made you sick. I made those decisions so you would have a second chance knowing that I wasn't going to be apart of your life."

My mind goes blank as I stare at him in shock. "Why?"

"A wise man once said that the hardest thing in life is watching someone you love, love someone else." Shinji shakes his head. "But I don't believe that. The hardest thing in life is watching the person you love be miserable, and know that it's your fault." I single tear runs down his cheek. "I just wanted you to have a chance to be happy, knowing that your happiness wouldn't include me."

I shed my own tear. "If I meant so much to you, why did you cheat?"

He brings a hand up to dry his cheek. "Because I was desperate for emotional support, desperate for someone to love me like I wanted you to, and I found that in Hikari."

It's amazing to learn how dysfunctional our relationship really was. It just astounds me that we both had what we really wanted, yet we couldn't stop ourselves from sabotaging it. We were so wrapped up in our own little worlds that we just let our relationship blow up. We have no one to blame but ourselves, well, and Hikari. If that bitch would have kept her hands out of my cookie jar, then maybe we could have eventually worked things out. Probably not, but it transfers some of the blame from us to her so I'm going to pretend it would have worked out. Damn Hikari.

"Shinji, I haven't forgiven you for cheating, honestly I don't know if I ever will, but I understand why you did it, and I recognize that it's partially my fault." He looks at me funny. "What I'm trying to say is that I regret not being there for you emotionally." A small smile appears on his handso... shit, I mean on his face. "But your still an asshole for cheating!" I once again punch him in the ribs, just not as hard as I have been.

He rubs his ribs and grumbles something. "That actually means a lot to me, and I would like to apologize for my cheating, I still can't believe I could have been so stupid."

"Me either... Dumbass."

"So, do you mind if I ask you a couple questions?"

"Sure, but it's a two way street."

He nods his head. "Are you currently seeing anyone?"

I contemplate on telling him the truth or trying to make him jealous. I quickly decide that we have had enough deception between on us. "I went on a date or two a couple years ago, but none of them actually made it through the end of dinner. And before you ask, yes that means you have been my only sexual partner." I can't help but to shake my head at the stupid grin he has on his face. "So, how many sexual partners have you had?" Grins gone.

"Uh," It's kinda cute that he just slightly bobs his head when he mentally counts. "honestly, I don't know for sure but I averaged at least two a week, but some of them are repeats, so maybe somewhere around 150 or so?" My jaw drops at the man whore level Shinji has achieved. "Damn your a slut!" I shout at him as I smack his arm.

"Hey! I was just trying to fill avoid, and in my defense, today is the longest I've been sober in years!" He shouts. I smack his arm again. "That's not an excuse Shinji! Your going to go get your ass tested before we do anything together!" I look at him in shock as I realized what I just said. "I always wear condoms, so its not like I... wait, what?"

I slap my hand up to my forehead and mumble a few curses. "W-What I meant, is... I-I-I..." My face is beat read and Shinji is just smirking at me. "Next question."

"Is there any chance at all for us to get back together?" I close my eyes and fight back the insults I want to say to him. I also need a moment to think of my answer. I mean sure, I won't lie that I still have feelings for him, but I can't allow myself to be hurt by him again, yet I will just be hurting myself for not allowing myself another chance with him... I look at him, bite my lower lip and raise and eyebrow. "Maybe... I guess it just depends on if you can prove to me that I can trust you not to hurt me or not... Why are you asking right now?"

"Because I've been seeing someone, and she wants to be exclusive..." I roll my eyes. "And you don't want to push her away unless you know for sure that there is a chance to be with me again?" He nods his head. "Well, I'm not going to make that decision for you, just know that there will be no chance in hell for us if you are involved with someone else. I'll be damned if I'm going to be an option and not a priority." I jab my finger into his arm. "So I suggest you take some time to think good and hard and weigh your options before making a decision and know that I am making no promises."

Shinji nods his head but stays silent. After about five more minutes of driving we arrive at Shinji's home. He bypasses the two story house's attached garage and pulls up to his second garage. The garage itself is a medium sized wooden structure with vinyl siding that matches the house. We exit the car and walk up to an entrance door, he enters his code into a key pad. He holds the door open and I walk in to a pitch black room. Shinji follows suit and flips on the lights. I'm shocked at the collection of cars he has, he always complained when I tried to get him to buy a sports car. Damn I would look good behind the wheel of that Ferrari...

He walks over to the corner of the garage and removes the cover from my suv. "I have had all of the scheduled maintenance done on it through out the years, and it's had it's oil changed every three months." I'm shocked that he would be so considerate.

"Thanks." He nods his head and heads over to a medium sized wall safe where he enters a code, revealing a few rows of keys. "This actually works out great, I got a Lamborghini Murcielago SV on order that should be delivered in the next week or so."

"I have to say, I'm impressed!" He smiles at me. "Not to change the subject, but I do have one more question that's been bugging me, why did you take the position of Sub Commander? I mean, you used to hate Nerv?"

He leans his back against the side of my Porsche, directly in front of me, and folds his arms. "Nobody else wanted the job and Misato needed the help."

I cock my head to the side and look at him funny. "Who turned it down?"

"Everyone, Maya, Hyuga, Aoba, Akagi, Kaji. Hell even Kensuke turned it down." Shinji chuckles.

"Why?"

"Because nobody wanted to be associated with negativity that comes from being a higher up at Nerv. Hell, you should see how I get treated at meetings with the U.N. They think I am going to turn out like my father."

"You may be a booze hound, a male whore and a cheating bastard, but your no sociopath." I smile as he chuckles. "Gee, thanks Asuka."

"Your Welcome."

"Asuka?" I look at him. "I know this is a little awkward, but, can I have a hug?" I act annoyed as I roll my eyes and let out a sigh, but I soon drop the facade as I put my arms around his neck and he puts his arms around my waist, laying my head against his chest. I try to ignore the butterflies in my stomach and the fact the my heart is pounding in my chest. "Don't expect this often, and I swear to God if you tell anyone..." I'm interrupted by Shinji's silent sobbing. "I've m-missed you so much Asuka." I squeeze him a little tighter as tears started falling down my cheeks. I'm not sure how long we stayed like that, but I know by the time we separated, neither of us had any more tears to shed.

I had typed in Misato's address into her gps so she could go on without me. I need a couple minutes by myself to get myself centered again. Words can not explain how good it felt holding her again, yet at the same time I feel so empty inside. I feel like my soul has been ripped from my body, I feel like I could implode any minute. But at least I got to hold her again, that's something I never would have thought possible. I also never imagined that we would ever be able to get along again, it's not like either of us have forgiven the other, it's just we came to the conclusion that we both messed up. Granted, my screw ups were far more larger, but I think it was less hurtful when she figured out why I did it. But I could be wrong.

After cleaning myself up a little bit and throwing on a fresh set of clothes, I head to the garage and hop back in the Bentley.

What the hell is happening to me? I can't believe that I actually let him touch me. I can't believe I actually let him touch me, and I liked it. I can't believe I actually let him touch me, and miss the feeling as much as I do. I can't believe how vulnerable, how week I feel right now. I wouldn't have even tried to stop him if he made a move... Not because I'm in need of sex, but because I feel so desperate to feel loved by him, to feel wanted by him. I feel so pathetic.

Please don't hurt me again Shinji.

I need to stop thinking like this. I'm not some love sick teenager on one of them damn soap operas. I am a single mother that can't afford to be selfish like this. I came here so Katie can have a father, not so I can reclaim my former lover. Is that the truth? Or is it the other way around?

Mein Gott, I'm so confused right now. I need to talk to Misato. I need to talk to Misato right now.

A/N: As of now, the next chapter I will be addressing the father of Hikari's baby (which to be honest, I still haven't decided who is going to be the father, whether it is Toji's, Shinji's, Kensuke's or some random guy) and how it affects Toji and Hikari's relationship. I will also cover the dinner at Misato's and of coarse Shinji's thoughts into which woman he wants to pursue.


	6. Today Was A Good Day  Revised

Well, after putting serious thought into what my goals for this story are, I have decided to revise this chapter. There biggest changes are at the end. Let me know what you think.

Henry V – Thanks for the kind words.

KillTheRabit – I originally had a much worse ending for my other story, and you should have seen the ending I originally had planned for this one... but I think I will go with a happy ending... I think.

NefCanuck – I would also like to see them fight, but I'm starting to think that it would be better for them not to... I dunno I'm still undecided.

SithKnight-Galen – I appreciate it, surgery went good.

Afterthought – I'm not trying to rationalize love, he is trying to rationalize witch person he wants to be with because he knows he loves Asuka, but also feels something for Celine and Hikari.

GreatFic fanboy – Thanks, and I have to say you really nailed what I was trying to convey. Hopefully you enjoy the changes I have made.

Living dead girl – I was apparently on a lot of anger lol, I too also want to see Asuka and Shinji together, but I want to make it something believable, which is a tall order with my meager writing skills.

SolidJJ – Nothing makes me prouder then the ability to entertain somebody that has the balls to go kick some Taliban ass. You sir are a better man than I and I salute you. Stay safe.

Da Prude – true, but sex is a very important part of a relationship. But definitely not the most important part.

Phillyphil10 – thanks man, I appreciate it.

Canuck101 – I agree it was overly dirty, and if I'm honest I believe that was a by-product of trying to rush it. Hopefully you like the changes.

Blondgirl – Thanks.

-Beck

P.S. Yes I changed my name from Stupid Fast.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman

Chapter 6 – Today Was A Good Day _r__evised_

With tear stained cheeks and red eyes, Hikari sits in the corner opposite of Toji. They have been sitting in their doctor's office for the last hour and a half waiting for the results of the paternity test. The seriousness of the situation weighs heavy on their shoulders. The future of their relationship -or lack there of- would be determined in the next few minutes.

Hikari stares at Toji, anger filling her with every fresh hickey she sees on him. Toji stares at her, wondering if she has ever had Shinji's member in her mouth... Wondering if she has ever kissed him after going down on Shinji... Wondering how many times he himself had sloppy seconds after his former friend... Wondering if Shinji has deflowered his wife's anus... Wondering if her and Shinji are still doing it... Toji shuts his eyes and clenches his jaw, those are questions he not sure if he's ready to hear the answer to.

But those are the questions that keep him up at night.

The biggest one of all is what will he do if Ryo isn't his? Will he drop Hikari like a bad habit? Will he take the stand that being his father means more then just sharing DNA? After all Toji is the only father Ryo has ever had, will him not being the second half of the genetic equation change that? If he isn't his, can he ever look him in the eyes and not get pissed off?

'I wonder how she handles my cheating?' Toji thinks to himself. 'Does she ask all of the same questions?'

Toji's thoughts were interrupted as the doctor entered the room.

_(Shinji's POV)_

God shes beautiful. Even when she isn't even trying to be she is. She could have just crawled out of bed with her hair all over the place, wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt in a room full of super models and she would still out shine them all. I feel lucky just to be in the presence of such beauty. Said beauty is currently making hamburger patties mixed with eggs, onion powder, bits of cheese and bacon and to top it off, something called 'Old Bay'.

Kaji and I are just finishing assembling a charcoal grill Asuka bought to cook the hamburgers on. She had decided that cooking her world famous burgers on a stove was punishable by death, so her and Misato ran to the store to pick one up. As soon as they had left, Kaji informed me on how displeased he was with my actions. After I picked myself up off the floor, I agreed with him, apologized and promised I would never intentionally hurt her again.

I tighten the final bolt and set it upright.

"Hey Asuka?"

"Yea Shinji?" Her sparkling blues meet mine.

"How much charcoal should we use?" I scratch the back of my head.

"Just make a Pyramid out of the coals," She puts the patty she was working on down. "then just pour some lighter fluid on it and light it." She grabbed her last fist full of meat and started adding the ingredients. I grabbed the bag of charcoal and did as instructed. Then, I grabbed the bottle of lighter fluid and looked at it questioningly before I shrugged my shoulders, went with my 'manstincts' and just started pouring it on. Kaji pulled out his lighter and lit a small stick and the placed said stick into the grill.

"VVWWOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!"

I fell on my ass and stared in shock at the 6-foot fireball. Slowly, a small smile creeps on to my face.

"Fucking awesome." I say in awe of the awesomeness that is fire.

"Hey Kaji, you alright?" He looks at me with wide eyes and nods his head yes. I look at him and give him a thumbs up.

"Shinji you baka! You only use a little bit!" Asuka yells from the kitchen. I brush my shorts off then give her a smirk and shrug my shoulders. "Yea I might have used a little too much, but I got the job done didn't I?"

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Men..."

_(Toji's POV)_

"You have to be fucking kidding me!" I scream at the doctor who, to her credit, didn't even flinch.

"I'm sorry Mr. Suzuhara, but the results of the DNA test are 99.9999% accurate."

I fall into my seat and cup my face. "Ah fuck me." I mumble to myself.

_(Shinji's POV)_

"I love you daddy!" I can't help but smile when she says that.

"I love you too baby." She wraps me in a hug and kisses me on the cheek. We had been playing tickle monster for the last half hour or so, and had an absolute blast doing it. I never would have imagined having this much fun just tickling my child.

"Damn it! I could have sworn I picked some up!" Asuka yells from the kitchen.

"What's wrong Asuka?" I yell from the floor.

"I forgot to pick up buns from the store. Do you mind watching Katie so I can go pick some up?"

I nod my head with a smile on my face. "Of course."

She gives her thanks before kneeling down and giving Katie a hug and a kiss. She then stands, grabs her purse and makes her way to the drive way.

"What would you like to do now angel?" She looks at the ground for a few minutes before popping her head up. "I wanna color!" She then runs off to her bedroom to grab her coloring books. I stand up and head to the kitchen to get a bottle of tea out of the fridge.

Two hours and a half bag of charcoal have passed since Asuka left for the store. Had it been anyone else I would have been worried. Asuka is famous for being able to waste entire days shopping when she was only going for one item. I learned early to never volunteer to go shopping with her, unless I too wanted to waste a day shopping. That's one thing I have to admit I love about Celine, when she goes shopping she is in-and-out, getting what she wants and then gets the hell out. It's refreshing to say the least.

I once asked her why she didn't act like the typical woman when it came to shopping. She claimed that the less time she spent shopping, the more time we would have for sex.

And the sex is great. Especially when she throws her head back and arches her back, then you grab her hips and up the tempo, her kegel muscles clamp down so hard it's almost impossible not to orgasm right then and there. Plus she's a screamer.

I like screamers.

Asuka's not a screamer, but she is a squirmer.

One thing that has always amazed me about Asuka was the scent and taste of her womanhood, It's something that is incredibly sweet and just the aroma makes your heart beat faster. I can't even begin to explain what its like, except to say it's fucking amazing. After you go down on her you lick your lips afterwards for hours. But the best part of being intimate with Asuka is the fact that it's her. Her flower may be the cutest I have ever seen, and its taste and aroma is awesome, but it just feels ok. The only reason sex is as good with her as it is, is because she is so insanely beautiful. You can't help but get caught up in her beauty. Hell, even Hikari is better at sex then Asuka. And don't get me started on fellatio, no matter how much I would guide Asuka she was a candle in the wind compared to Hikari, who herself is a candle in the wind to Celine. It's important to make a note that practice makes perfect, so chances are the better they are the more they have done it. ie: the more promiscuous the woman the better the sex.

That bothers some guys, but not me.

Who says a woman who loves sex as much as I do is a bad thing? Hell, I'd rather have a girl that has been around the block and knows what the hell she is doing then some virgin that is pretty much useless in the bedroom. If I were picking between Asuka and Celine just based on sex then it would be Celine. Hands down.

But it's not just about sex.

I also have to consider looks, personality, compatibility and a couple other factors.

Looks: Asuka.

Granted, Celine is also beautiful, just not as beautiful. There is just something about Asuka that does it for me. I'm aware that not everyone would agree with me, after all beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for me she is the pinnacle of female beauty. From her ankles to her calves to her thighs to her hips to her breasts to her face... Absolute perfection.

Personality: ?

This one is a little tougher. If we were comparing old Asuka to current Celine, then it would be Celine. But from what I have seen so far Asuka isn't the old Asuka, She's a lot softer, It's almost like she has lost some of the spark that drove her to be perfect in everything, drove her to be who she was, opinionated bitch and all. The scary part is I don't know if this is a good thing or not. One of the things I loved about Asuka was the way she pushed me to be a better person, but obviously I won't miss the über ginger bitch that made me question not only her love for me, but my love for her.

Compatibility: Celine.

No contest here. Celine and I are good together. We both enjoy cleaning, cooking, classical music, morning sex and she loves giving blow jobs and I love receiving them. There are a few areas that we could be better, she has never wanted kids, she hates South Park, she seems to believe that complete socialism works despite the fact that history teaches us that it has failed every time it's been used. She also refuses to recognize the genius that is Mel Brooks. That last one was almost a deal breaker for me, I mean everyone has their own political views, and their entitled to that opinion regardless if I agree with it or not, but there is no discussion when it comes to the awesomeness that is Mel Brooks. None. There is also the little fact that Celine couldn't possible understand my past as much as Asuka does, But I don't want to live in the past anymore. I want to live in the present. Hence I selected Celine for compatibility. Besides, Asuka also isn't a fan of Mel Brooks.

Asuka has an ace in the hole and it's called Katie. We have a daughter together and Asuka has really stepped up to the role of motherhood. We could all be so lucky to have a mom as good as Asuka. And regardless which path I take, I promise to be the best father to Katie that I can be.

I know this makes me sound like an asshole and like I'm trying to rationalize love, but I'm not. Look, I love both women... But I don't necessarily know if I'm _in_ love with either of them...

That's not true. I know I'm in love with Asuka. I'm just so scared of getting back with her just to turn around and screw it up again. I could deal with screwing things up with Celine, but not Asuka.

I'm brought out of my inner thoughts by Asuka's ranting about perverted Japanese something or other as she walks in through the front door.

_(Toji's POV)_

"You son of a bitch!" Hikari yells as she pounds her little fiery fists on my chest. Needless to say, she is fucking pissed. And arguably, she has every right to be. I put my arms around the sobbing brunette and tell her how sorry I am. It's kinda ironic that just five minutes ago I was the one all pissed off at her, and now I'm the one apologizing. But that was before the doctor cam in and gave us the news...

I am the father of our baby... and apparently the father of four other children... Shit.

"How could you not use protection! It's bad enough that you were cheating, but then come to find out didn't even bother to think of my safety? Or worry about knocking one of them up?" I grumble something along the lines of an apology and not being able to think with the big head when the little head is out, blah blah blah. She counters with an "I want a divorce!"

Wait.

What did she just say?

I tilt my head to the side and blink rapidly. "What?"

"I'm done Toji, I don't want to be married to you any longer!" Screams Hikari before she storms out of the doctors office. I stand there dumbfounded staring at the closed door.

_(Shinji's POV)_

"I didn't say I believe I am entitled to have Asuka back." I rub my eyes. "Look, I believe that we all have souls. And I believe that all souls – and everything else – resonates at certain frequencies." I grab a french fry, dip it in ketchup and shove it in my mouth before continuing. "Now, I believe that certain people resonate the same frequency, and that because of that, they will always long for each other. Soul mates so to speak." This conversation started when Kaji made the comment about how he never thought that we would all be sitting in the same room together, let alone actually being civil to one another, so I explained to everyone how I believe the universe works.

"Ok were with you so far." Misato said with a raised eyebrow.

"Ok, so having said that, some people believe that even ideas give off frequencies. For example, two different people, complete strangers, living on opposite sides of the world coming up with the same idea at roughly the same time." I take a drink of my tea. "The concept it that those people are on the same frequency as that idea, and the more the focused on it, the more it resonated, the clearer it became." I give a small chuckle when Asuka rolls her eyes. "Those same people also claim that concentrating on something, rather in a bad or good way, manifests that idea."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kaji asks.

"In theory, anti-war protesters cause war to keep raging because they focus so much energy on to the thought of war. If they would stop focusing so much energy on the thought of war and instead focused that energy on living peacefully, then there would be a lot less war in the world. In theory." I grab my burger with both hands and take a bite.

"So let me get this straight, you think we're soul mates?" Asuka asked with raised eye brows.

"Yes."

"And you believe that we're soul mates because our souls resonate at the same frequencies?"

"Yes."

"And that by me cursing your name for the last five years was actually causing our frequencies to resonate stronger, and in turn, is what made me move back here so our souls can be united?"

"I think it's a theory."

"Do you believe this theory" asked Kaji.

"To be honest, I don't know." I wipe my hands on a napkin. "I operate on the theory that none of us are smart enough to fully understand how this world works."

"You were a God, and you don't know how the world works?" Asked Asuka with a hint of sarcasm.

I take a bite of my burger before answering her.

"Obviously I know we have souls, hell the whole world knows that after Third Impact." I lift my glass and take another swig of my tea. "I wasn't shown anything about creation or anything about the future or the who, what, where, why and when. I just knew that we had become one with everyone and I could shape the world in any way I see fit."

"I think you know more then your letting on." Asuka points her fork at me before scoping another bite of green beans into her mouth.

I shrug my shoulders. "Believe me, if I knew all of the answers I wouldn't have tried to find them at the bottom of a whiskey bottle or in the thong of a stripper named Bambi." Asuka and Misato shake their heads while Kaji lets out a chuckle.

"Daddy? What's a stripper?" Innocent blue eyes full of confusion stare at me. Asuka folds her arms over her breasts and stares at me. "Yea daddy, what's a stripper?"

I palm my face. "I'll explain that to you when your older."

_(Hikari's POV)_

"Just listen to me for one second!" My soon to be ex-husband shouts.

"Why should I Toji? Don't you dare even try to tell me that your sorry and that you will change! If either of them were true you would have stopped along time ago!" I turn around and walk back to my dresser to grab more clothes.

"You know what? Don't try to pretend that your all hurt and broken hearted and shit, if my cheating hurt you as much as your claiming, you would have left a long time ago!"

Oh that stupid son-of-a-bitch. I walk up to Toji and slap him as hard as I can. "It's not your cheating, but because you have four other kids!" I rear back and slap him again. "How could you be so damn careless Toji?" Toji slumps his body against the wall, covers his face and shakes his head. After a few minutes he lets out a sigh and looks at me.

"I didn't do any of this to hurt you, it was just about having sex." Toji spoke in a tired voice.

"Well it should have been about having sex with your wife!" I shout in response.

"Oh but Hikari, if I wasn't out cheating on you, then you wouldn't have had the time to fuck one of my best friends!" Yells Toji.

"Maybe I would have never been with Shinji if you would have been having sex with me instead of those whores!"

Toji balls up his fists. "If you weren't a prude in the bedroom, I wouldn't have to get sexually satisfies elsewhere!"

"You think I'm a prude huh?" I put my hands on my hips and glare at him as he nods his head. "Would a prude enjoy it when Shinji pulls it out of me, puts me on my knees and sprays his seed all over my face and breasts? Would a prude enjoy it when I dress up in a french maid outfit and Shinji bends me over a table and fucks me in my ass?" Toji has a look of complete shock on his face, that quickly turned into one of rage.

Even before he threw the first punch I had known that I had gone too far.

_(Shinji's POV)_

The red string bikini clad Goddess in front of me slowly dips one foot into the pool. Verifying that the temperature is adequate enough, she dips her other foot in. I can't do anything but stare as my eyes work their way up from her ankle to top of her thighs, her generous breasts, her cute little neck, her smiling lips and her crystal blue eyes.

Wait, she knows I'm staring and yet she's smiling?

"Hey Shiiinnjjiii." Just her saying my name like is a total turn on.

"Yes Asuka?"

"You really think that we're soul mates?" She starts moving her feet in the water.

I look into her eyes and smile. "The first couple of months after you left, I was a complete and utter mess. I can't even tell you how many times I would literally black out for days at a time from drinking too much, I avoided my friends, I avoided Misato and I even dropped out of school." I close my eyes and take a deep breath before continuing. "I even contemplated suicide a half dozen times." Her eye brows raise at my confession. "Despite all of that, I couldn't hate you... I wanted to, I wanted to reaaallllyyyy bad... But I couldn't."

She nods her head. "So because of that is why you think we're soul mates?" I nod my head.

"I'll be honest Shinji," She looks down at the pool for a few moments. "I hated you."

This doesn't come as a shock to me, if the tables where turned, I would probably hate her. "Do you still hate me?"

Asuka bites her bottom lip and looks at me. "Not for the last two years."

I place my hand on her knee. "Do you still love me?"

She nods her head. "But I don't know if I'm _in _love with you." She gives my an apologetic smile. "What are your feelings for me?"

I give her a small smile. "I would be lying if I didn't say that I know I'm in love with you..."

"But?" She asks with a slight hint of worry in her voice.

"But, I would also be lying if I didn't also say I felt love for Celine." Asuka rolled her eyes.

"Sucks to be you, doesn't it?"

I let out a small chuckle and shrug my shoulders. "Well yea, but that's nothing new."

She takes her foot and places on my chest before pushing me away. "Being me hasn't exactly been all smiles and sunshine either." She resumes wading her feet in the pool. I wade back up to her and take one of her hands in to mine. "If I could take it all back..." Were interrupted by some commotion in the house, well, more specifically coming from Misato from inside the house, but I think nothing of it... Until Asuka pulls her feet out of the pool and storms up to the house.

"What the hell do you think your doing he... Oh my God!" Asuka stops dead in her tracks and covers her mouth.

Ok, Now I'm curious.

I wade up to the stairs and start walking towards Asuka, but I stop when I hear her ask "Who did this to you?".

I clench my teeth and take in a deep breath. I walk around the side of Asuka. I also stop dead in my tracks when I see the crying brunette. Two things thoughts quickly pop into my head. The first thought is that Toji is a dead mother fucker. The second thought I have is does this mean I'm the father of her baby?

I walk up to Hikari and gently cup her chin. Her nose is broken, her right eye is swollen shut, she's missing a tooth and by the was shes cuddling her arm to her body I think it's broken. I shake my head, close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Am I the father?" Asuka looks at me with worried eyes, and I can understand why. I have already been in Ryo's life for the last five years. I was there when he was born, I was there for his birthdays, I was there when he came home from school for the first time. Hell, I'm already his God Father. But I already know that I could never actually be as happy with Hikari as I could be with Asuka. So I know there is no future there.

After this, I will have to make sure Asuka knows that too.

"No, Toji is the father," She rubs her arm and looks at her shoes. "he did this because I told him some of the things we've done."

Asuka crosses her arms over her magnificent breasts. "Why the hell would you do that?"

A tear ran down Hikari's cheek as she spoke. "The specialist told us that Toji was the father of four other children." She takes a second to compose herself as Asuka and I stare at each other in shock. "I told him I wanted a divorce, and we started yelling at each other about his cheating." She clears her throat. "So then he said if I wasn't such a prude, he wouldn't have had to gone elsewhere. So I told him how I was only a prude with him."

Asuka goes to say something, but much to her displeasure, I interrupt her, she clenches her jaw and glares at me. "We need to get you to a hospital." I pull out my cell phone and call a VTOL medivac to transport Hikari, they tell me they'll be here in five minutes. I hang up the phone and put my hand on Asuka's back. She raises an eyebrow as she looks at me. "Will you stay by her side until they get here?"

She squints her eyes, frowns, and puts her hands on her hips. "Shinji, you better not be thinking about doing what I think your thinking about doing."

I cross my arms. "The only reason your don't want me to is because it has do to with her."

She jabs a finger into my chest. "The only reason I'm stopping you is because you just started being a part of Katie's life, she doesn't need a daddy that's in jail for assault and battery." I place both of my hands gently onto her shoulders, she shrugs them off and glares at me.

"I can't stand by and do nothing Asuka, he needs to be punished for what he has done." Asuka shakes her head. "Well If sticking up for your mistress is more important then being there for your daughter, then you go do what ever the fuck you wanna go do."

She goes to walk away but is stopped when I grab her arm. "You may hate her, but she's is one of my closest friends and lovers, I can't just let him get away with what he has done. If he needed to hit somebody, then he should have been hitting me. Not her."

She looks me dead in the eyes. "If you believe that sticking up for Hikari is more important then your child." I look away from her, only to have her grab my chin, forcing me to make eye contact. "Look at me when I am talking to you." She speaks in a low voice. "If you don't put your daughters feelings above your own anger, then you have no place being with us."

I gently yet firmly remove her hand from my chin. "This has nothing to do with Katie, this has to do with you feeling the need to be in control of me." I let out a bitter chuckle. "And I was honestly starting to believe that you had actually changed."

Her glare intensifies. "Control you?" she balls her hands into fists. "I have never tried to control you, I've only tried to get you to stand up and be a man! To be in control of your own life! To stop being such a fucking doormat!" Her face is red in anger. "But the past has nothing to do with me wanting YOU to be around OUR daughter! I don't want to listen to OUR daughter cry about how much she misses the daddy she just met! And if you can't be the daddy the SHE needs you to be, then you will not be a part of her life, and by extension, my life!" Asuka shouted in rage.

_(Asuka's POV)_

I go to walk away from this asshole and the bitch but stopped when she has the nerve to tell me to wait. I spin on her and stair directly into her eyes. "What?" anger dripping from my words.

"I didn't come here to have Shinji go confront Toji. I obviously couldn't stay around Toji, and Ryo is staying with my sisters, and I surely don't want my child seeing me like this." She lowers her head and takes a deep breath. "And I wanted to come here to apologize, I really am sorry Asuka. For this and for cheating. I know it's wishful thinking, but I hope that one day we can be friends again."

Maybe I'm just the type of person that likes to hold a grudge. I would like to think I am capable of dealing with a situation and moving on. But as I sit here, listening to her apologize. I can't help but think of how little I care if she is sorry or not. Does she honestly think that by her saying sorry, all my pain and anguish over the last five years would diminish? That all I need to stop the pain was an apology? That I am so pathetic that I let her words control my emotions?

Well fuck her!

I understand why Shinji did what he did, and I have accepted that I was at least an antagonist and at most partially responsible for pushing him away. However, I had nothing to do with Hikari's decision to cheat. That's on her and Toji. She completely and utterly disregarded our friendship, completely disregarded me as a human being when she fucked my fiancé. I was always nice to Hikari, she was the only person on the planet that I actually treated with respect. But once again, Shinji was chosen over me.

My best friend chose my fiancé over me.

Just like Shinji chose Hikari over me. Twice now.

And Misato chose Shinji over me.

And Kaji chose Misato over me.

And Mamma chose that doll over me.

And Papa chose that woman over me.

And the way Katie's eyes light up when she sees Shinji. They haven't lit up like that for me since... well, since ever. Maybe I'm not as good as a mother as I thought I was.

Why should I be mad at Hikari for choosing Shinji over me? Ever one else in my life has chosen someone over me. Why should she be held to higher standards? Maybe I should just accept that I am a nobody, that I am of unimportance to everyone around me.

Did my mother realize the same thing? Is that why she went crazy, because she couldn't handle being unimportant? Did she hang herself to save me from becoming just like her and being unimportant myself? Or was she teaching me by example? Momma and Papa always told me there was no room for unimportant people in a post Second Impact world.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts as the VTOL medivac lands in the street. I look at Shinji and then to Hikari, who has a worried expression on her face. I look at her questioningly until I realize my cheeks are wet.

I had just cried in front of Hikari.

God damn it.

"Fuck you both."

Hikari looks at the ground and Shinji shakes his head. I fold my arms across my chest as Shinji helps Hikari get into the VTOL. Once she is secured and the door is closed he comes storming back up to me.

"Don't you think she has been punished enough Asuka? It's been five years, get over it!"

"This coming from the _boy_ who has spent the last five years drowning himself in liquor and whores! I don't know what I was thinking when I came back here, how can I expect you to be a father when you can't even be a man!" I shout in his face.

"I am sick and tired of you belittling me and emasculating me! Pushing me out of your life wasn't enough for you so now you have to push me out of _my_ daughter's?"

I jab my finger into his chest. "Don't you put this on me! You have been the one that had pushed yourself out of my life and you are the one that is pushing himself out of his daughters life!"

"That's right Asuka, it's not your fault." Shinji says in a low voice with a glare on his face. "Nothing is ever your fault, it wasn't your fault I didn't feel loved, it wasn't your fault that I had to find love somewhere else, it wasn't your fault you moved away and didn't tell me about our daughter and it won't be your fault when she grows up to be just as self centered and egotistical as you!" Shinji's was shouting by the end of his statement.

I rear back and slap him as hard as I could. "How dare you! I have sacrificed everything for her! She is the most important person in my life! I have done nothing but put her needs in front of mine! I even swallowed my pride so _my _daughter could be near her father!"

Shinji closes his eyes and took a deep breath. "How noble of you, it only took you _five years_ to swallow your pride for the benefit of _our_ daughter. How gracious of you. I bet people are just beating down your door to give you a 'Worlds greatest mother' award."

My insides are burning with rage, so I slapped him, again. "I am ten times the parent you will ever be, and I think I have done a pretty damn good job of raising _my _daughter alone because her piece a shit of a father couldn't keep his dick in his pants! I should have known better then to put any faith in you..."

I once again turn to walk away when he gently grabs my arm.

He stares at the ground for a few moments before returning his attention to me. "Your right." He says barely above a whisper. "I've been selfish, and I'm currently being selfish. I honestly can't help it Asuka, which has made me realize something important..." Confusion strikes as he pulls out his phone.

"Hello Celine?" He looks me in the eye and gives me a smile. I smile back, partially cause his smile has the effect on me, but mostly because he picked me and I get to witness him telling her to piss off.

"When can you move in?"

Wait, what?

Oh.

Oh you son of a bitch.

I try my damnedest to keep myself from crying but it's useless.

"I hate you!" I shout in tears as my fist makes contact with his face. Shinji stumbles back and falls on his ass. I proceed to pounce on him and punch him in the jaw a couple more times.

"You asshole!" I shout as I stand up and kick him in the side. I turn to walk away when I see his phone laying on the ground. I instantly decide to let that bitch know what kind of a scum bag weasel she is about to share a bed with.

"Look, I know you don't..." My voice dies.

"_Tuesdays forecast calls for mostly cloudy with a chance of rain..." _I pull the phone away from my face and look at the caller screen.

He had dialed the number for the automated weekly forecast. I drop the phone and stare at him in shock, he drops his head and gives a knowing nod. He lets out a sigh.

"When I was walking Hikari to the VTOL, I realized it's obvious that all I will ever do is hurt you. So I just figured it would hurt less if I was a major asshole now when your feelings aren't as strong for me as what they could be. And besides, I've proven today that I could never be the person you deserve me to be." Shinji's words were filled with sadness

"That's not your call! How dare you decide whats best for me!" I shout at him.

"But Asuka!" I silence him with another slap.

"No buts Shinji! I and I alone decide what's best for me! You have no right denying me what I want because of what your thoughts on what is and isn't best for me! If you don't want to be with me then fine, just tell me! Don't hide behind a facade of nobility!" I shout in rage.

He quickly rises to his feet and puts his hands on my shoulders. "I won't be able to handle losing you again! It won't bother me when I fuck things up with Celine, it won't bother me when I fuck up with her replacement, but I will not be able to live with myself if I were to get you back just turn around and lose you because of my actions!"

I look at the ground as I contemplate his words. He gently cups my chin and brings my eyes up to his.

"I love you Asuka, I love you more then life it's self... but I would rather see you happy without me in your life then with me and miserable." I just barely manage not to whimper as I see a tear run down his cheek.

I raise my hand and wipe it off.

"But I've _been_ miserable without you in my life..."

Shinji stares at me with a sad look on his face.

"I'm not going to force you to be with me, and I have proven that I can live without you." I cup his cheeks with both hands. "But I want you to know that I am more afraid of missing an opportunity for us to be happily together again," I use my thumb to wipe another one of his tears away. "then I am of having that chance and you do something stupid to hurt me again."

I slowly brought his face to mine.

"You know where I stand Shinji." I say just barely above a whisper.

I gave him a soft, but passionate kiss.

I pull back slightly and lock eyes with him. "Once again I'll be waiting on your decision."

I release his face and bite my lower lip. I close my eyes and give my self a nod in confidence, knowing I have done all that I could have done. I turn and head towards the house.

This time I wasn't stopped.


End file.
